As he's done so often in these past few months, God's word and faithfulness have really been weighing heavily on my heart this month. Financial struggles are definitely a hot button for me and I've tried and tried all month to keep a positive attitude and have faith that God would pull through, unfortunately I was fooling EVERYONE, INCLUDING MYSELF. After 2 weeks of torture, one day I got tired of putting on a smile and saying "it'll all work out" and instead decided to just be angry, upset, stressed and sad.
Then God's voice came through a friend: "I Love You!"
These words made me suddenly realize that I hadn't actually let go and put my trust in God...I truly thought I had but after thinking about it I realized I've been keeping the stress close to my heart- hence the four pounds I dropped in 2 weeks. After hearing the words, "I love you," I realized I needed to TRULY let go and put it in God's hands. As I was driving down the road, I turned off the radio and had a little heart to heart with God: "OK GOD- here, take it. I'm done, I can't fix it, I can't make it work, I can't figure it out. You do it! You make it work! Please provide for me and my husband..." and he, as always, came through. He's provided me with some amazing friends that pull through in a crunch and are there for me when I need them most and he pulled through for me financially- no, I'm not rolling in the dough right now, but I have food in my belly and gas in my car to get to work and that's all I require to maintain my sanity.
Thank you God, once again, for making me desperate for you and thank you for your love!
Not a "Come to Jesus" Story...but a story indeed
Posted in on by
I was recently approached by my pastor and his wife regarding this coming Sunday. They asked if I'd be willing to be interviewed during the service. "Of Course" I replied and though I don't have this huge "Come to Jesus" story, I do think mine is one that's relateable. I think it'll be just as easy to simply go down the rough list of questions and write it out in preparation for this coming Sunday...this is typically when more truth comes out of my brain anyway:
1) Briefly describe your life this time last year.
Well- this time last year I was in the process of STILL seeking a church...something I'd been doing since I graduated college. Unfortunately, I wasn't seeking a church to attend for the right reasons but instead because I felt like that was the thing I was supposed to do.
I grew up in a very Christian home and have always known God- but my relationship with him has been a bit of a roller coaster ride as I was only seeking him when it was convenient for me. Every new church I went to simply didn't fit and that's for many reasons. First, I don't think I was yet ready to truly become a Christ-follower because it made my life easier not to. Secondly- each Sunday I did attempt a new church, I did the same thing, I put on my "church" personality along with my "church" clothes and I attended church and pretended to know the answers(like it seemed everyone else was doing), know how I was supposed to act and what I was supposed to do and I tried to prove I belonged among other Christians. Unfortunately, I eventually fell tired of putting on an act and stopped going.
2) How did you become a part of CATT?
Truth is- I met this awesome chick through my softball team, Lauren Faiai. Simply being around her, watching her and listening to her it amazed me just how excited she was about God and what he's done and is still doing in her life. I was amazed that she wasn't shy about or ashamed to talk about it with anyone, but mostly I was taken off guard by just how real she was.
Unlike the people I'd been around, she never pretended to have all the answers. Admittedly, she was just as broken as I even though she's had a longer and stronger relationship with God over the years. She was transparent, didn't try to hide her and flows or vices. She was simply herself, in church, out of church and off the field, it was always the same Lauren.
Because of her, I knew that if I'd ever come to truly know Jesus again, it would have to be around people like myself, people that didn't know all the answers, but wanted to learn. So I came to one of the "First Look" services, and instantly fell in love. Within minutes of being there, I felt like it was the place I belonged-right there in that service God broke me down as if to say, OK Christian, this is what you've been praying for not take advantage of it. So I jumped right in wanting to help because I knew CATT had to succeed in order for me to keep my sanity.
3) What changes have you seen in your life in the past few months?
The biggest change I've seen in my life is the fact that I've never felt so desperate for God till now. God hits me hard and hits me often, for better or for worse and he doesn't hold back.
The other thing is I've found that I am now myself, inside and outside of church. I'm a broken person, and I don't know that I'll ever not be broken, but God has been there with me through it all. He's called upon me to serve him and I've insisted upon him to help me and I now feel as though I'm walking, hand-in-hand with God has he guides me through what has been a rough transition.
The final big change is I'm not ashamed. You know, I never realized exactly how many friends I had that is agnostic so we never discussed religion and I kept my mouth shut if and when the subject did arise. Now, I'm still working on just how out-spoken I'm willing to be, but I find that I'm no longer afraid, or ashamed to state my opinion and my feelings regarding my walk with God.
4) What do you think has contributed to these changes?
I think the biggest thing that has contributed to my transition has been the fact that I've found a place in CATT where I can always be myself and because of that I'm wide-open to God, ready to listen, not afraid to ask questions and not afraid to show my desperation. If I'm moved by the lyrics in the music we sing, I allow myself to feel those feelings, If I'm moved by the message, again, I allow myself to feel those feelings.
The other thing that's contributed to my changes is simply the people at CATT. Again, I feel like I'm accepted and that it's OK to be broken and it's OK to be me.
So who knows, my answers may vary a bit tomorrow as I pray that God will allow me to simply speak what is on my heart and not with a planned response but as for now...I believe these answers say it all.
1) Briefly describe your life this time last year.
Well- this time last year I was in the process of STILL seeking a church...something I'd been doing since I graduated college. Unfortunately, I wasn't seeking a church to attend for the right reasons but instead because I felt like that was the thing I was supposed to do.
I grew up in a very Christian home and have always known God- but my relationship with him has been a bit of a roller coaster ride as I was only seeking him when it was convenient for me. Every new church I went to simply didn't fit and that's for many reasons. First, I don't think I was yet ready to truly become a Christ-follower because it made my life easier not to. Secondly- each Sunday I did attempt a new church, I did the same thing, I put on my "church" personality along with my "church" clothes and I attended church and pretended to know the answers(like it seemed everyone else was doing), know how I was supposed to act and what I was supposed to do and I tried to prove I belonged among other Christians. Unfortunately, I eventually fell tired of putting on an act and stopped going.
2) How did you become a part of CATT?
Truth is- I met this awesome chick through my softball team, Lauren Faiai. Simply being around her, watching her and listening to her it amazed me just how excited she was about God and what he's done and is still doing in her life. I was amazed that she wasn't shy about or ashamed to talk about it with anyone, but mostly I was taken off guard by just how real she was.
Unlike the people I'd been around, she never pretended to have all the answers. Admittedly, she was just as broken as I even though she's had a longer and stronger relationship with God over the years. She was transparent, didn't try to hide her and flows or vices. She was simply herself, in church, out of church and off the field, it was always the same Lauren.
Because of her, I knew that if I'd ever come to truly know Jesus again, it would have to be around people like myself, people that didn't know all the answers, but wanted to learn. So I came to one of the "First Look" services, and instantly fell in love. Within minutes of being there, I felt like it was the place I belonged-right there in that service God broke me down as if to say, OK Christian, this is what you've been praying for not take advantage of it. So I jumped right in wanting to help because I knew CATT had to succeed in order for me to keep my sanity.
3) What changes have you seen in your life in the past few months?
The biggest change I've seen in my life is the fact that I've never felt so desperate for God till now. God hits me hard and hits me often, for better or for worse and he doesn't hold back.
The other thing is I've found that I am now myself, inside and outside of church. I'm a broken person, and I don't know that I'll ever not be broken, but God has been there with me through it all. He's called upon me to serve him and I've insisted upon him to help me and I now feel as though I'm walking, hand-in-hand with God has he guides me through what has been a rough transition.
The final big change is I'm not ashamed. You know, I never realized exactly how many friends I had that is agnostic so we never discussed religion and I kept my mouth shut if and when the subject did arise. Now, I'm still working on just how out-spoken I'm willing to be, but I find that I'm no longer afraid, or ashamed to state my opinion and my feelings regarding my walk with God.
4) What do you think has contributed to these changes?
I think the biggest thing that has contributed to my transition has been the fact that I've found a place in CATT where I can always be myself and because of that I'm wide-open to God, ready to listen, not afraid to ask questions and not afraid to show my desperation. If I'm moved by the lyrics in the music we sing, I allow myself to feel those feelings, If I'm moved by the message, again, I allow myself to feel those feelings.
The other thing that's contributed to my changes is simply the people at CATT. Again, I feel like I'm accepted and that it's OK to be broken and it's OK to be me.
So who knows, my answers may vary a bit tomorrow as I pray that God will allow me to simply speak what is on my heart and not with a planned response but as for now...I believe these answers say it all.
Ask and Yee Shall Receive.....I guess
Posted in on by
Geez! So as I lie in bed last night digesting the news I received that afternoon, I prayed to God that he would continue to make me desperate for him "Please God, I need you more now than ever. I need to continue to feel that desperation, I need to continue to have those moments where I have no choice but to turn to you." BOY did he answer, and he continues to answer even this evening.
Yea, but one thing my dad always said to me, be careful what you pray for....same concept as be careful what you wish for. That little shit has definitely made me desperate for him over the last couple of days and it only gets worse. And I mean that little shit in the nicest of ways- I really do. Sometimes I imagine God having the sarcastic humor of my husband and boy has he done that this week.
Well God- you've got my attention...I literally have nothing else to do right now but to seek you as I'm basically stranded at home with no gas in my car, no money for gas...oh, and no running water AND no money in sight for the next couple of days. Great!
Well- truth is, God knows exactly what buttons to push to have me seeking him and regardless of the situation, he has my full and undivided attention.
Alright God, what next? Love you, mean it
Yea, but one thing my dad always said to me, be careful what you pray for....same concept as be careful what you wish for. That little shit has definitely made me desperate for him over the last couple of days and it only gets worse. And I mean that little shit in the nicest of ways- I really do. Sometimes I imagine God having the sarcastic humor of my husband and boy has he done that this week.
Well God- you've got my attention...I literally have nothing else to do right now but to seek you as I'm basically stranded at home with no gas in my car, no money for gas...oh, and no running water AND no money in sight for the next couple of days. Great!
Well- truth is, God knows exactly what buttons to push to have me seeking him and regardless of the situation, he has my full and undivided attention.
Alright God, what next? Love you, mean it
Where were you on 9/11?
Posted in on by
Every year I actually try to forget, or at least set aside the memories of 9/11. Where was I on 9/11? I was on my way to class- freshman year in college. I remember hearing it on the radio and thinking this can't be real...what a HORRIBLE joke, nothing about this is funny. Once I entered the class, all eyes and ears were turned towards the television set. We sat in silence for the next five minutes. An eerie feeling filled the room. My professor announced then that classes would be canceled and we should all go home. As I walked into my house, my brother in school, both of my parents at work and Jarrad 750 miles away, I turned on the television and sat directly in-front of the screen and cried as I watched film of this travesty and heard the words of the reporters.
It was at this moment that I knew, Jarrad would eventually be called to war. Has something ever hit you so hard that you felt you could literally feel your heart tearing apart? I have and this was one of those times. I tried and tried to call Jarrad that day but it wasn't until late that evening that I finally heard from him. Thank God they didn't send him that very day, but I still knew in the back of my head....he'd be called soon.
A year passes by, I move to North Carolina to go to school only an hour away from where Jarrad was stationed. After two years of barely seeing each other, I was so happy to be only an hour drive away but that happiness didn't last for long. Almost exactly a year from 9/11, Jarrad is called to war. I remember skipping class that day to be with Jarrad at the airport as he left. I sat next to him at the airport and wanted nothing but to cling to him. There were so many things running through my head- how could they possibly do this to me? How can I let go? Is this going to be the last time I'll ever see him again? Once again, I felt my heart breaking in two.
As he walked away to head to his terminal, it took every ounce of will power not to run after him, not to get on my hands and knees and beg him not to go (knowing he had no choice). I drove back to Meredith that day and had to pull over at least three times because my eyes were so full of tears that I couldn't see the road. Luckily, I made a friend. She was in the same exact situation as I. A week after Jarrad left for war, Tara's husband Darin was shipped off as well. Luckily, I was able to distract myself during the days with class and softball and in the evenings I spent my time comforting her. The hardest part was at night, as I laid in bed. During this time, a million thoughts ran through my head....is Jarrad OK, will I ever see him again? I wish he was here now so I could tell him how much I loved him. I wish he was here now so I can snuggle close to him. It was an endless torcher and I often cried myself to sleep.
Finally, the end of my sophomore year was coming. We were all packing up, saying our goodbyes and getting ready to head home for the summer. Except one Wonderful thing...I was heading to the airport that day. With my car's trunk and backseat packed to the max, I headed to the airport to pick-up Jarrad. By the grace of God, Jarrad came home to me. I remember plastering my face to the glass walls of the airport, every second feeling like an hour and every minute an eternity as I waited for his plane to arrive.
But this day has always left me wondering, what about the women who's husbands don't come back? What about the women that have to tell their children their daddy is no longer alive? It's by the grace of God that Jarrad came home to me and the feeling of seeing him again was overwhelming to say the least. My best friend, soul mate, my heart- he returned to me.......and because of these actions, I'll never forget sitting in front of the television- watching the events of 9/11 unfold, knowing Jarrad would have to go to war. And I thank God every day that he chose to send Jarrad home to me because he truly is my everything and I'm not sure my life would have had much meaning without him.
You know, so often it's easy for me to simply forget Jarrad was ever in the army. I know my mind puts those memories aside because they are some of the hardest memories to swallow. But every year, on 9/11, it hits me again. And every year, I thank God he chose to bring Jarrad home. And every year, I think what about those women and men who did not see their loved ones return from work that day or the men and women who said goodbye to their spouses as they headed off to war but was never able to have the happy return I experienced.
So where were you on 9/11?
It was at this moment that I knew, Jarrad would eventually be called to war. Has something ever hit you so hard that you felt you could literally feel your heart tearing apart? I have and this was one of those times. I tried and tried to call Jarrad that day but it wasn't until late that evening that I finally heard from him. Thank God they didn't send him that very day, but I still knew in the back of my head....he'd be called soon.
A year passes by, I move to North Carolina to go to school only an hour away from where Jarrad was stationed. After two years of barely seeing each other, I was so happy to be only an hour drive away but that happiness didn't last for long. Almost exactly a year from 9/11, Jarrad is called to war. I remember skipping class that day to be with Jarrad at the airport as he left. I sat next to him at the airport and wanted nothing but to cling to him. There were so many things running through my head- how could they possibly do this to me? How can I let go? Is this going to be the last time I'll ever see him again? Once again, I felt my heart breaking in two.
As he walked away to head to his terminal, it took every ounce of will power not to run after him, not to get on my hands and knees and beg him not to go (knowing he had no choice). I drove back to Meredith that day and had to pull over at least three times because my eyes were so full of tears that I couldn't see the road. Luckily, I made a friend. She was in the same exact situation as I. A week after Jarrad left for war, Tara's husband Darin was shipped off as well. Luckily, I was able to distract myself during the days with class and softball and in the evenings I spent my time comforting her. The hardest part was at night, as I laid in bed. During this time, a million thoughts ran through my head....is Jarrad OK, will I ever see him again? I wish he was here now so I could tell him how much I loved him. I wish he was here now so I can snuggle close to him. It was an endless torcher and I often cried myself to sleep.
Finally, the end of my sophomore year was coming. We were all packing up, saying our goodbyes and getting ready to head home for the summer. Except one Wonderful thing...I was heading to the airport that day. With my car's trunk and backseat packed to the max, I headed to the airport to pick-up Jarrad. By the grace of God, Jarrad came home to me. I remember plastering my face to the glass walls of the airport, every second feeling like an hour and every minute an eternity as I waited for his plane to arrive.
But this day has always left me wondering, what about the women who's husbands don't come back? What about the women that have to tell their children their daddy is no longer alive? It's by the grace of God that Jarrad came home to me and the feeling of seeing him again was overwhelming to say the least. My best friend, soul mate, my heart- he returned to me.......and because of these actions, I'll never forget sitting in front of the television- watching the events of 9/11 unfold, knowing Jarrad would have to go to war. And I thank God every day that he chose to send Jarrad home to me because he truly is my everything and I'm not sure my life would have had much meaning without him.
You know, so often it's easy for me to simply forget Jarrad was ever in the army. I know my mind puts those memories aside because they are some of the hardest memories to swallow. But every year, on 9/11, it hits me again. And every year, I thank God he chose to bring Jarrad home. And every year, I think what about those women and men who did not see their loved ones return from work that day or the men and women who said goodbye to their spouses as they headed off to war but was never able to have the happy return I experienced.
So where were you on 9/11?
It's been a while.....
Posted in on by
I know, I've been way too slack with my postings but life has been a bit crazy since last I posted. Work has definitely picked back up- clients decided it was time to return from vacation. Craziness also seemed to follow my life outside of work. I don't really have anything major to post on today, but I thought I would simply provide some updates:
- It is now only 8 months until Jarrad graduates
- Jarrad pursued, secured and begins his internship tomorrow (so happy for him)
- I have recently published a blog post, just not on this site. It was for my company's corporate site: "Tips for Corporate Blogging" check it out if you're interested in what I do: http://www.crossroadspr.com/crossroads.asp?id=350&category=8
- I learned you should never dive hear first into a base with your fingers spread wide open, oh and if you're winning by 19 runs, it's probably unnecessary to slide at all.
- I had to miss my high school BF's bachelorette weekend even though I'm the matron of honor- luckily they got evacuated so I feel better about not spending the money
- Mackey- my female beagle- may be pregnant (we'll find out tomorrow for sure)
- My hubby is trying to talk me into a third dog and, even though I melt at the sight of puppies and I LOVE DOGS and this particular breed is beautiful, I think it's a horrible idea to have a third dog now but I can never say no to him...so I've left the final decision up to him...luckily he has a while to really think about it and we're both truly weighing the pros and cons....we'll see
- The softball team I play on is currently undefeated (knock on wood)- GO BALLERS!
- I haven't had much time to hang with my girls and I miss them
- I've done A LOT of babysitting this month
- AND....yep that's it
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
