Change...

Why, you may ask, have I not posted lately. Well...lack of anything positive to say comes to mind, lack of new epiphanies, total lack of interest in my own life to be completely honest. I'm tired, tired of pretending to be OK, tired of pretending everything is fine. Everything is NOT OK. I feel my world crashing down.

6 weeks, 42 days,508+ hours......of being jobless and it's driving me nuts. To be honest, I'm tired of hearing- "you're well qualified, if not overly qualified but unfortunately with the economy being the way it is, not to mention the time of year, it'll be January before we can even think of hiring new staff" REALLY??!!!??? Sometimes I'd rather hear- you're not qualified, change careers- OK, maybe not but it would be much easier to swallow if I didn't know I would be an amazing addition to any PR team but situations have kept me from proving it. I'm not trying to be shallow and say I'm the shit but I'm not going to be modest either. I know PR and I could generate success.....if only given a chance. UGH! How frustrating it is to sit and wait. I know, perhaps I'll have some contract work by the beginning of next week and that's great, but I'm ready to begin somewhere. I'm ready for change- positive change.

I'm not the type of person that can simply sit and enjoy- I need to go go go, I need to move because sitting too long makes me think, and right now I don't enjoy the thoughts that run through my head. Will we make it? Will everything REALLY be OK as everyone assures me it will be? Does God really have a reason for putting me in this position? I've tried letting go, I've tried trusting...but right now I just need change....geez- I would move to freakin Europe tomorrow if it meant starting a new job. I'm sick and tired of the unknown....I'm pissed about not having the ability to buy gifts for my family. I LOVE giving gifts and to go to Alabama for Christmas and not be able to give...but to be expected to accept.....I'm full of shame, I'm full of sadness, I feel absolutely demoralized.

I will not accept defeat...I will go to the ends of the earth until I find that place where I belong. Right now I feel as if I'm simply stuck in limbo, unmoving, unprogressive...pissed at the fucking world. I'm done...I must find change because I can't remain in this state.

Uncertainty.....

Finally, I'm posting again....the question has been- how can I post about what's going on and what I'm feeling when I'm uncertain of that.

Uncertainty- the word has been stuck in my mind since last Sunday. Mostly because I feel as if I'm living a life of uncertainty. How do I put into words what I've been thinking, I'm still unsure.

Failure- Regardless of the situation, regardless of what was said or that it was something that couldn't be helped, failure comes to mind. Jobless, what the hell is that? I've never not had it all together...I've never not been in control...in control of every aspect of my life. This state of not knowing kills me and I feel like a complete failure.

I've always thought of myself as a strong person- it's probably one fact in which I took great pride. Total control, I could take anything that was thrown at me because I knew who I was and that's all that mattered. But that was boring....

Once again I've brought this on myself- it's something I've asked God for, over and over and over- God, please help me give up the control, please help me simply trust you and give everything up to you and as always he has thrown me for a loop. I've lost that control. Perhaps I should change the title to desperation because I find myself more and more desperate for God throughout each and every turn my life has recently taken oh wow.....it's truly taken many turns. Can I really let go....I still find myself trying to figure out how to regain that control instead of just letting God do his thing, instead of just letting go.

Well, I guess I have no choice but to sit back and see what God has in mind. Let's see how this goes

Fairwell to the Faiais

Wow! It's been a month since I last posted, time flies when you're busy and there's been a lot going on in my life over the last few weeks...but that's not what this post is about, that can come later. Tonight's post is one that makes me so sad to post because it means time with some wonderful friends is coming to a close.

Steve, Lauren, Cameron and Riley Faiai will be heading back to San Diego in a couple of days and I DO NOT want to see them go. During our short 8 months of friendship they've become a huge part of my life and I truly love that entire family for everything they've brought to my life while in NC and for the real and honest love they've provided through these friendships. I'd like to say a little something to each of you in this post and how they've touched me.

Riley James- I don't think you'll ever realize how you melted my heart when you called my name. Don't tell anyone but I can't help but to have a little smirk on my face when it's me you want to come to. I can't believe how much I've seen you grow and change over this short period of time. Your laughter is nothing but contagious. It saddens me to think that because you're so young you'll easily forget about who I am, and I know when I visit I may not get the same response, but know that you've forever left a mark on my heart.

Cameron Lee- Oh Cameron- do you know you're most definitely the coolest little boy I know? Your heart is so pure! You've taught me to have a kind of love for God that only a child with complete faith and trust can have. You are so tender and so sweet and so caring. I don't think you even realize the lessons you've taught me through your big personality. Just like Riley, you melt my heart each and every time you say my name. I love to see your imagination at work and I love your stories. You too have forever left a mark on my heart and I want you both to know that I love you very much.

Steve- Did you know that your music is what broke me down and reminded me of God's love? For that I will forever be grateful. It's been such a pleasure getting to know you. I can see where Cameron gets his personality, he's definitely taken after his father and I only hope I can show my future children the love you show your children. Thank you for honestly caring about what was happening in my life. It's hard to find someone like you in this world.

Lauren- geez...here come the tears. You've taught me what it means to be a true friend and I know Kelly would agree. While you became mine and Kelly's best friend and completed our little circle, you also taught she and I how to be better best friends to each other. Even when you're gone, I know we'll continue to carry that over. I'm sitting here trying to find the words that can best describe how you've effected my life and it's impossible to find the perfect words. Do you even realize just how many people you've touched during your time in NC? Your heart is so large. Thank you for being there for me during the good times and the bad. Thank you for always lending an ear when I needed one, thank you for praying for me, thank you for your words of encouragement and thank you for just being a friend. I DO NOT look forward to saying goodbye- I love you with all my heart.

ALRIGHT ALREADY!

As he's done so often in these past few months, God's word and faithfulness have really been weighing heavily on my heart this month. Financial struggles are definitely a hot button for me and I've tried and tried all month to keep a positive attitude and have faith that God would pull through, unfortunately I was fooling EVERYONE, INCLUDING MYSELF. After 2 weeks of torture, one day I got tired of putting on a smile and saying "it'll all work out" and instead decided to just be angry, upset, stressed and sad.

Then God's voice came through a friend: "I Love You!"

These words made me suddenly realize that I hadn't actually let go and put my trust in God...I truly thought I had but after thinking about it I realized I've been keeping the stress close to my heart- hence the four pounds I dropped in 2 weeks. After hearing the words, "I love you," I realized I needed to TRULY let go and put it in God's hands. As I was driving down the road, I turned off the radio and had a little heart to heart with God: "OK GOD- here, take it. I'm done, I can't fix it, I can't make it work, I can't figure it out. You do it! You make it work! Please provide for me and my husband..." and he, as always, came through. He's provided me with some amazing friends that pull through in a crunch and are there for me when I need them most and he pulled through for me financially- no, I'm not rolling in the dough right now, but I have food in my belly and gas in my car to get to work and that's all I require to maintain my sanity.

Thank you God, once again, for making me desperate for you and thank you for your love!

Not a "Come to Jesus" Story...but a story indeed

I was recently approached by my pastor and his wife regarding this coming Sunday. They asked if I'd be willing to be interviewed during the service. "Of Course" I replied and though I don't have this huge "Come to Jesus" story, I do think mine is one that's relateable. I think it'll be just as easy to simply go down the rough list of questions and write it out in preparation for this coming Sunday...this is typically when more truth comes out of my brain anyway:

1) Briefly describe your life this time last year.
Well- this time last year I was in the process of STILL seeking a church...something I'd been doing since I graduated college. Unfortunately, I wasn't seeking a church to attend for the right reasons but instead because I felt like that was the thing I was supposed to do.

I grew up in a very Christian home and have always known God- but my relationship with him has been a bit of a roller coaster ride as I was only seeking him when it was convenient for me. Every new church I went to simply didn't fit and that's for many reasons. First, I don't think I was yet ready to truly become a Christ-follower because it made my life easier not to. Secondly- each Sunday I did attempt a new church, I did the same thing, I put on my "church" personality along with my "church" clothes and I attended church and pretended to know the answers(like it seemed everyone else was doing), know how I was supposed to act and what I was supposed to do and I tried to prove I belonged among other Christians. Unfortunately, I eventually fell tired of putting on an act and stopped going.

2) How did you become a part of CATT?
Truth is- I met this awesome chick through my softball team, Lauren Faiai. Simply being around her, watching her and listening to her it amazed me just how excited she was about God and what he's done and is still doing in her life. I was amazed that she wasn't shy about or ashamed to talk about it with anyone, but mostly I was taken off guard by just how real she was.

Unlike the people I'd been around, she never pretended to have all the answers. Admittedly, she was just as broken as I even though she's had a longer and stronger relationship with God over the years. She was transparent, didn't try to hide her and flows or vices. She was simply herself, in church, out of church and off the field, it was always the same Lauren.

Because of her, I knew that if I'd ever come to truly know Jesus again, it would have to be around people like myself, people that didn't know all the answers, but wanted to learn. So I came to one of the "First Look" services, and instantly fell in love. Within minutes of being there, I felt like it was the place I belonged-right there in that service God broke me down as if to say, OK Christian, this is what you've been praying for not take advantage of it. So I jumped right in wanting to help because I knew CATT had to succeed in order for me to keep my sanity.

3) What changes have you seen in your life in the past few months?
The biggest change I've seen in my life is the fact that I've never felt so desperate for God till now. God hits me hard and hits me often, for better or for worse and he doesn't hold back.

The other thing is I've found that I am now myself, inside and outside of church. I'm a broken person, and I don't know that I'll ever not be broken, but God has been there with me through it all. He's called upon me to serve him and I've insisted upon him to help me and I now feel as though I'm walking, hand-in-hand with God has he guides me through what has been a rough transition.

The final big change is I'm not ashamed. You know, I never realized exactly how many friends I had that is agnostic so we never discussed religion and I kept my mouth shut if and when the subject did arise. Now, I'm still working on just how out-spoken I'm willing to be, but I find that I'm no longer afraid, or ashamed to state my opinion and my feelings regarding my walk with God.


4) What do you think has contributed to these changes?
I think the biggest thing that has contributed to my transition has been the fact that I've found a place in CATT where I can always be myself and because of that I'm wide-open to God, ready to listen, not afraid to ask questions and not afraid to show my desperation. If I'm moved by the lyrics in the music we sing, I allow myself to feel those feelings, If I'm moved by the message, again, I allow myself to feel those feelings.

The other thing that's contributed to my changes is simply the people at CATT. Again, I feel like I'm accepted and that it's OK to be broken and it's OK to be me.

So who knows, my answers may vary a bit tomorrow as I pray that God will allow me to simply speak what is on my heart and not with a planned response but as for now...I believe these answers say it all.

Ask and Yee Shall Receive.....I guess

Geez! So as I lie in bed last night digesting the news I received that afternoon, I prayed to God that he would continue to make me desperate for him "Please God, I need you more now than ever. I need to continue to feel that desperation, I need to continue to have those moments where I have no choice but to turn to you." BOY did he answer, and he continues to answer even this evening.

Yea, but one thing my dad always said to me, be careful what you pray for....same concept as be careful what you wish for. That little shit has definitely made me desperate for him over the last couple of days and it only gets worse. And I mean that little shit in the nicest of ways- I really do. Sometimes I imagine God having the sarcastic humor of my husband and boy has he done that this week.

Well God- you've got my attention...I literally have nothing else to do right now but to seek you as I'm basically stranded at home with no gas in my car, no money for gas...oh, and no running water AND no money in sight for the next couple of days. Great!

Well- truth is, God knows exactly what buttons to push to have me seeking him and regardless of the situation, he has my full and undivided attention.

Alright God, what next? Love you, mean it

Where were you on 9/11?

Every year I actually try to forget, or at least set aside the memories of 9/11. Where was I on 9/11? I was on my way to class- freshman year in college. I remember hearing it on the radio and thinking this can't be real...what a HORRIBLE joke, nothing about this is funny. Once I entered the class, all eyes and ears were turned towards the television set. We sat in silence for the next five minutes. An eerie feeling filled the room. My professor announced then that classes would be canceled and we should all go home. As I walked into my house, my brother in school, both of my parents at work and Jarrad 750 miles away, I turned on the television and sat directly in-front of the screen and cried as I watched film of this travesty and heard the words of the reporters.

It was at this moment that I knew, Jarrad would eventually be called to war. Has something ever hit you so hard that you felt you could literally feel your heart tearing apart? I have and this was one of those times. I tried and tried to call Jarrad that day but it wasn't until late that evening that I finally heard from him. Thank God they didn't send him that very day, but I still knew in the back of my head....he'd be called soon.

A year passes by, I move to North Carolina to go to school only an hour away from where Jarrad was stationed. After two years of barely seeing each other, I was so happy to be only an hour drive away but that happiness didn't last for long. Almost exactly a year from 9/11, Jarrad is called to war. I remember skipping class that day to be with Jarrad at the airport as he left. I sat next to him at the airport and wanted nothing but to cling to him. There were so many things running through my head- how could they possibly do this to me? How can I let go? Is this going to be the last time I'll ever see him again? Once again, I felt my heart breaking in two.

As he walked away to head to his terminal, it took every ounce of will power not to run after him, not to get on my hands and knees and beg him not to go (knowing he had no choice). I drove back to Meredith that day and had to pull over at least three times because my eyes were so full of tears that I couldn't see the road. Luckily, I made a friend. She was in the same exact situation as I. A week after Jarrad left for war, Tara's husband Darin was shipped off as well. Luckily, I was able to distract myself during the days with class and softball and in the evenings I spent my time comforting her. The hardest part was at night, as I laid in bed. During this time, a million thoughts ran through my head....is Jarrad OK, will I ever see him again? I wish he was here now so I could tell him how much I loved him. I wish he was here now so I can snuggle close to him. It was an endless torcher and I often cried myself to sleep.

Finally, the end of my sophomore year was coming. We were all packing up, saying our goodbyes and getting ready to head home for the summer. Except one Wonderful thing...I was heading to the airport that day. With my car's trunk and backseat packed to the max, I headed to the airport to pick-up Jarrad. By the grace of God, Jarrad came home to me. I remember plastering my face to the glass walls of the airport, every second feeling like an hour and every minute an eternity as I waited for his plane to arrive.

But this day has always left me wondering, what about the women who's husbands don't come back? What about the women that have to tell their children their daddy is no longer alive? It's by the grace of God that Jarrad came home to me and the feeling of seeing him again was overwhelming to say the least. My best friend, soul mate, my heart- he returned to me.......and because of these actions, I'll never forget sitting in front of the television- watching the events of 9/11 unfold, knowing Jarrad would have to go to war. And I thank God every day that he chose to send Jarrad home to me because he truly is my everything and I'm not sure my life would have had much meaning without him.

You know, so often it's easy for me to simply forget Jarrad was ever in the army. I know my mind puts those memories aside because they are some of the hardest memories to swallow. But every year, on 9/11, it hits me again. And every year, I thank God he chose to bring Jarrad home. And every year, I think what about those women and men who did not see their loved ones return from work that day or the men and women who said goodbye to their spouses as they headed off to war but was never able to have the happy return I experienced.

So where were you on 9/11?

It's been a while.....

I know, I've been way too slack with my postings but life has been a bit crazy since last I posted. Work has definitely picked back up- clients decided it was time to return from vacation. Craziness also seemed to follow my life outside of work. I don't really have anything major to post on today, but I thought I would simply provide some updates:

• It is now only 8 months until Jarrad graduates
• Jarrad pursued, secured and begins his internship tomorrow (so happy for him)
• I have recently published a blog post, just not on this site. It was for my company's corporate site: "Tips for Corporate Blogging" check it out if you're interested in what I do: http://www.crossroadspr.com/crossroads.asp?id=350&category=8
• I learned you should never dive hear first into a base with your fingers spread wide open, oh and if you're winning by 19 runs, it's probably unnecessary to slide at all.
• I had to miss my high school BF's bachelorette weekend even though I'm the matron of honor- luckily they got evacuated so I feel better about not spending the money
• Mackey- my female beagle- may be pregnant (we'll find out tomorrow for sure)
• My hubby is trying to talk me into a third dog and, even though I melt at the sight of puppies and I LOVE DOGS and this particular breed is beautiful, I think it's a horrible idea to have a third dog now but I can never say no to him...so I've left the final decision up to him...luckily he has a while to really think about it and we're both truly weighing the pros and cons....we'll see
  
• The softball team I play on is currently undefeated (knock on wood)- GO BALLERS!
• I haven't had much time to hang with my girls and I miss them
• I've done A LOT of babysitting this month
• AND....yep that's it

Pretty boring I know, but I thought only appropriate to remind everyone that I am still alive. Hopefully soon I'll have a new topic to discuss pop in my head...hey, maybe I'll update everyone on Mackey tomorrow!

Fun in the Sun....and humidity

Well, I guess it took me long enough, I've only been home almost two weeks since heading to Bama to hang with the family but as promised here is a re-cap and some pictures.

Unfortunately, I forgot to take pictures everytime we did something really fun, but you'll get the just.

After driving through the night, Jarrad and I hit the ground running as soon as we got to Bama. I took a quick shower and headed to my mother-in-laws to spend time with my niece while Jarrad immediately jumped in a boat and went fishing...even though it was already too hot by the time we got there.

I got to do everything I was looking forward to. We spent several nights sitting around the pool discussing times past, the now and the future. This is always my favorite part, just hanging out. I stole my niece away as often as possible to have time with just her and I, we spent all day Saturday at the Lake, my mom cooked some AMAZING Food, Jarrad and I jumped in and cooked one night as well. And the last two days there, Jarrad, my dad and I woke at 5:30 AM to go fishing before the sun rose too high and it got too hot. I have to admit, even though we woke at the butt crack of dawn, and one of those mornings we'd only been in bed for less than three hours before our wakeup call, these were the most relaxing. The one thing I stress about with family is trying to manage time and equally split time between the two families and it often feels like they're battling each other for our time. Luckily, these mornings were stress free. And I have to admit, while fishing was just something I did with Jarrad because he enjoyed it, I was pretty proud of the fish teeth marks left on my thumbs and it will probably become more of a hobby for me as well. I hope you enjoy the following pictures.


This is my niece MaKenna with her granparents ("Honey" & "Paw-Paw"), also known as Jarrad's mom and step dad. She loved the water that day, check out a couple of other images with Makenna as well.





And this is me with my parents. I couldn't have asked for a better duo. They've always supported me in all my endevors (sometimes more reluctantly than others :) but never-the-less, they've always supported my choices). They're also two of the most caring, tender hearted, loving individuals you'll ever meet.


Unfortunately I have no pictures with my sister from this trip as I always forgot my camera when hanging with her, but below is a picture of my "little" brother. He was AMAZING this trip. Whereever we were, whatever we wanted to do...he was there. He didn't care, he didn't try to stress us out, he only wanted to be with us hanging...that was much appreciated. As a matter of fact, I'd like to think he's learned a lot from me over the years, but the truth is, I've learned a lot from him. He's very protective of me, and I LOVE that, he's very caring and it rips him apart if he thinks either I or my older sister are unhappy...funny how my baby brother has kind of taken on the role of big brother over the last few years.

God is the SHIT!

First I'd like to start by saying...I KNOW I KNOW...I owe a post about my time in Bama along with pictures, which is coming this weekend....PROMISE.

This week has been a world wind of a lot of downs and very few ups...but things, as always, quickly turned towards the positive. So secondly, before I continue, I'd like to say I know you probably don't expect to see the word Shit and God in the same sentence, especially when praising him but in this case there's no better way to describe it. For those of you that follow my blog regularly, I know you remember a little post I did on giving God his fair share, tithes, and my promise to do so.

Well, while I was in Bama I sat down one day to pay all of my bills and in the process I wrote my tithes check, put it in an envelope and in my bag to give once I returned to NC. As I returned and was checking my checkbook for the damage done while in Bama, I realized we were low, very low, scarily low on funds and since it was still the beginning of the month, this made me think twice about giving tithes.

But I made a public oath and knew I couldn't back down, so last Sunday I forked over the check with only minor hesitation and then looked to God and said I'll have faith. Well, can I just say that he's hitting me hard and make sure I don't mistake him for coincidence. That week, money Jarrad and I had been waiting on but no longer expecting, suddenly showed up in our mailbox....so maybe that was a coincidence, but then as the week has gone on, little side jobs that will help produce income for the month have popped up...a babysitting job here, an event there...then to top it off, the head of the Simulation Game Design department at Wake Tech calls Jarrad, he has a paid internship for him that he's trying to help Jarrad secure....20 hours a week Wednesday-Friday of this coming semester on top of continuing to work for the coffee shop on the weekends......what do you think about that. Some may say that that's work we have to do in order to earn money, but no one ever said paying tithes meant money will magically appear. For me this is a blessing as God is proving that he'll continue to provide for Jarrad and I as long as we have faith...and I'll work a million side jobs to help supplement our income as long as they're available.

God is awesome, God is the Shit....YAY GOD!! :)

PS- Now excuse me as I'm going against everything I was taught about journalism. I'm absolutely pooped so I'm going to simply publish this post without editing.

PPS- I WILL publish my post catching everyone up on Bama THIS WEEKEND!

Getting Excited About BAMA!

So I'll definitely miss my friends while I'm gone and I'll be a bit stressed about what I may have forgotten to do at work before leaving, but I'm SUPER EXCITED to see my family. I haven't seen them since Christmas.

So here are some things I'm excited about:
- Shopping with my mom and sis
- Spending time with my niece Makenna
- Fishing with my dad and hubby (not my most favorite hobby, but it's always fun to do with them)
- Lounging by and in the pool for hours
- being lazy
- long talks outside with the family around the pool and grill
- wrestling around and getting beat up by my younger yet larger brother (I miss the days when I was still stronger than him)
- Playing some kind of board game that will inevitably result in an argument between my sis and myself because she's a bit conservative and I'm, well, kind of loud and hyper.
- Letting my mom take care of me
- Getting my dad to brush my hair
- Reminiscing about the "good ole days"

I'll be sure to post lots of pictures while I'm gone. I can't wait to see my family but I'm sure I'll be more than exciting to be back in NC once it's all said and done.

It's HAPPY BIRTHDAY TIME!!!!

Wow- July is full of birthdays. the 11th and 27th of this month marked my bosses' birthdays. Next Week, July 30th is my colleague's birthday and she will celebrate her baby's 1st birthday the very next day, but most important to me is today, July 24th.

Today Lauren's baby boy turns 2 and we'll all celebrate him tomorrow at a cookout where I'll finally get to hang with my girls after two very long weeks. But today also marks my dad's 50th Birthday!!! Can you believe it? The big 5-0! Well, I guess I can believe it because my sister just turned 31 and I'm 25 but 50 used to seem OLD to me, but when I look at my dad, I still see the same young man that taught me everything there is to know about Softball, Fishing, Golfing, Shooting the Bow and Arrow and even cars. My dad is still SUPER MAN!! And I know that all I have to do is say the word and it's Super Man or Super Dad to the rescue......like picking me up from the airport when my flight was screwed up and driving me 13 hours to my husband.

No matter what, my dad has always been there. So he deserves to be celebrated. Unfortunately I only have this really bad picture of my dad on my hard drive since I cleaned it out, but it'll do until I get back from Bama with some new ones. HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD!! I LOVE YOU!

Yea Yea....I Hear Ya! I get it now...GEEZ!!

So it comes as no surprise to those who know me best that my husband and I have experienced some EXTREME financial hardships during the last 3 years that he's been in school. So I've prayed,and prayed and prayed and God has come through moment to moment but never on a consistent basis. And I thought, that's because God is teaching me a lesson through my struggle. Well....I could be wrong, but I think lately he's been trying to teach me that lesson-but not the lesson I thought he was trying to teach.

The lesson he's been trying to teach me is faith. I love Church at the Triangle (CATT), have found a new family in CATT, am active at CATT but other than $5 here and $10 I haven't really given God his fair share. I've thought, God can't REALLY expect me to give him 10% of my paycheck every month when I can't make it as it is....oh but I think he does and I think he does because he wants me to have faith in him. If I want to see CATT grow, then I need to help CATT grow by giving him what's rightfully his.
While I wasn't really questioning my faith, I think God was...I've been stressed about money, but I knew that God was trying to get my attention when I had a great conversation with Lauren about the fact that she and Steve just give God his part every month and just have faith or at least try to have faith that he'll take care of things.....as she told me this, I'm thinking to myself...yea, but I'm the only person bringing in any real money,Jarrad tries hard to do what he can, but I'm the one with the regular 9:00-5:00 so I know God can wait until Jarrad graduates from college before we give him 10%. WRONG! I was totally wrong...at least that's what I think God was telling me. When Jarrad gets out of college and starts a job, we won't struggle as we do now and I won't feel the need to seek God as desperately as I do now, financially anyway.

Well, Lauren's words, unbeknown to her, have been eating at me for weeks. With that I've been reading a book, "Blue Like Jazz," and have found both inspiration and God speaking to me through this book on several occasions. So Friday night I decided to take a nice soak in Kelly's very large bathtub as the one I have isn't large enough for someone of my height to truly relax. And Just as I thought God was providing inspiration and words to help me through one prayer I've had over the last couple of months, regarding faith, the book quickly shifted to talk about finances(which inadvertantly goes back to faith). Long story short, I finished that chapter, closed my book and just looked up to the heavens and grouchly said to God: "OK OK, I get it. I must have faith in you and that you'll pull through for us. To do so, I need to give to you, what's rightfully yours. GOSH" OK- I added the Gosh part just now but my whiny reply to God was starting to remind me of Nepoleon Dynamit.

You know, a while back I said it would just be easier if God could just slap me on the head and I'd know right away what it was he wanted....well, I felt like this chapter was that slap on the head.

Sometimes I just need my friends to very directly say to me: "Christian, you know you should really....." That's a whole lot easier because apparently I'm a true blonde and I don't do well with hints.

So I figured I need to get this out, post it to my blog because if I make it public, I'll have to stick to it. This is my vow to God, that I will give him what is rightfully his on this upcoming pay day and not only will I do that, but I'll have faith that he'll come through and take care of my needs for that month and the months to come. With that, no hinting around, Lauren and Kelly- it's your jobs to make certain i stick by this promise.I get paid on August 1st and the first check I write needs to be to CATT.

This is my oath, this is my vow....have a great day...YAY GOD! ;)

I Miss My Hubby

This is night number two without my hubby and I MISS HIM LIKE CRAZY!!!! I can't believe I have another night to go before I can see him again. This sucks so bad! I love snuggling next to him every night and feeling the warmth of his body...I never realized how cold it is without him and I never realized how I thrive off those few moments every night where we snuggle in bed, talk about our day and wrap our arms and legs around each other for a few minutes before rolling over and zonking out.

Mommy for the Weekend

Friday evening through Sunday evening I stepped in and played the role of mommy for a beautiful 9 month old named Peyton. She's one of the sweetest little girls I've ever had the privilege of taking care of and I have to admit I've learned a lot about myself and my potential as a mother...pat on my own back...now back to the post.

First let me just say, I have an all new prospective on motherhood and I'd like to give MAD PROPS to all the moms I know. The first night was very simple and I thought, this is a piece of cake, but the second night I got a taste of what it would be like to deal with a baby running a fever, teething and dealing with a belly ache all at teh same time. Not once did I get impatient or agitated, but I also can't lie and say it's easy to be awakened every 2 hours to a baby screaming but the hardest part wasn't having to wake every 2 hours, it was knowing she was in pain but having no means other than a little baby tylenol and a lot of comforting to try to easy the pain even a little.

So here's the great things I learned about myself:
* I love being awakened in the morning by a smiling, laughing baby
* I love listening to her talking to herself and cracking up at whatever she says
* I smirk a little when other people try to hold her but she cries because she only wants me
* I love that I mastered the art of bathing both myself and the baby...at the same time
* I love the peacefulness of holding a sleeping baby...even more I love that I'm able to singe her to sleep
* Mostly I love that I'm able to provide her withh a place that allows her to feel safe

Negatives- well, there really aren't any major negatives but.
* The lack of sleep is a bit hard
* OH, Big one- planning a weekend around having a baby.....babysitters are EXPENSIVE, trust me, I know- I'm usually the babysitter and at $10/hour who can afford to go out?
* Getting dressed...yea, that's a bit complicated with a toddler that likes to pull up on everything and is in to everything and wants to be held 24/7
* And...ummmm..yea....that's about it

So the weekend was great and I was extremely sad today when I no longer had a baby to take care of.
So do I have baby fever? YES
Would I be OK with having a baby now? YES
Do I think I can handle it? YES
But am I OK with waiting 2 more years? Well, YES simply because I'd rather be in a better place financially and oh yea, it'd probably help if Jarrad was done with school :)

Light at the End of the Tunnel

10 months to go! 10 Months before Jarrad graduates with a degree in Simulation Game Design and Development and considering where we live and the high demand for entry level programmers, I'm pretty excited about this graduation. As a matter of fact, the only city that has more gaming companies than the RTP area is Austin, Texas- they have 64 to our 32 gaming companies.

As I think ahead and am sailing to that light, I can't help but to think about some of the things Jarrad and I have been through in order to get to this point. Before marriage, Jarrad was off fighting in war then, during our first year of marriage, Jarrad worked full-time as a mason's assistant to help support me and my senior year in college. During that year I took 18 hours of class, worked 25 hours a week for a paid internship in order to help pay bills, 5-10 hours a week in the financial aid office on campus, and then any and every odd job I could find to help pay bills rather it be painting someone's kitchen, dog sitting, baby sitting, even stepping in as nanny for a week at a time as well as playing on the college softball team. Needless to same, I rarely slept.

During this time not only did we struggle to take care of ourselves, but we also struggled to help support his brother that was living with us at the time. After graduation, I jumped in to my 9-5 and it was finally Jarrad's time to start school. Through it all we've both worked whatever odd job we can find on top of my full-time job and Jarrad's part-time. We dealt with some major family issues, fought with the financial aid office on a regular basis because they don't understand the meaning of broke and living every day simply trying to figure out how to survive the next.

Finally, as that light at the end of the tunnel begins to shine through, our life is starting to shape into some form of normalcy. While only renting, we're still living in a house, with land and no more rude neighbors, we've established a great core group of friends, we're beginning to actually plan for our future (a discussion we've avoided these last 4 years because it seemed so far away)and while financially we're still a bit shakey, I can take comfort in the fact that I know my major bills will be paid each month(or at least every other month), food will be on the table and I can grab a beer here and there during a girl's night out without too much worry. I can't wait for graduation, I can't wait for that new turning point in our marriage and I can't wait to celebrate Jarrad's accomplishments and OUR accomplishments.

Most importantly, today, I'm proud of my husband. Through good times and bad Jarrad has pushed through each semester, never even taking advantage of Summer breaks. Instead he continues to push forward. And while I'm not sure he realizes how proud I am of him, I am most definitely proud. Jarrad has his eye on that light as well and he pushes himself, hard to reach that goal. I look forward to celebrating Jarrad's accomplishments because at that time, a time when I hope to be surrounded by both friends and family, I look forward to standing up in front of everyone and telling them about that hard work and letting them know how much I love, adore and admire Jarrad for all he's been through.

It's the Simple Things in Life

It's the simple things in life that make me happiest. As I reflect back over just the last few months in my life, I've thought about just that. Rather it be capturing a cute moment, girl's night out, the calming sound of crashing waves on the beach, watching a lightening storm in the summer, long walks, time with my hubby, time with friends and LOTS AND LOTS of WATERMELON!!! Below are just a few of those moments captured.....enjoy.
































AND LOTS AND LOTS OF WATERMELON!!!!!.........

You worry too much about pleasing others.........WHAT!!??!!

So I recently had a meeting with my bosses. Occasionally they like to pull each of us in individually and praise us for our strengths as well as talk about some of our weaknesses in an effort to help us continue our growth within the company. The meeting went well and I wasn't surprised but much said except one thing. I was told "you worry too much about what other people think." This statement surprised me but I started to think about it and at first I thought.....is that really a bad thing? I was convinced that pleasing everyone would help me grow within the company but I took their statement and I thought about it.

Well, guess what? They were completely right. As for work, trying to please everyone else stunts my creativity, affects my writing and causes frustration. Then I started thinking more deeply about their statement and realized that I do this with all aspects of my life and it was causing me to become easily agitated.

You know, there is definitely one thing I remember from my childhood Sunday school classes and that's "do unto others as you would have them do unto you." And I've always felt that I should go through great lengths to please everyone because this would ensure someone will be there for me when needed. And, while that will still be one of my mottos and I will ALWAYS "do unto others.....," I've also got to learn to focus on myself.

So I put the theory to the test last night. Over the past month I've been helping a family a lot, helping to take care of the baby, cleaning for them, etc.....so much so that I was ignoring my own house, my own needs and my pups. So yesterday after work was about me. I went straight to the gym after work and let the class instructor kick my butt, then I went home and took my dogs on a nice long walk, cleaned up a bit, threw a couple of pizzas in the oven for dinner, did some budgeting and then snuggled next to my hubby to watch TV, pig out and just relax......then remarkably I'm in this AMAZING mood today. So I'll continue to help anyone that needs help, but I'm going to vow that from this point on I will not forget myself, my husband, my puppies and my life in the process.

3 OLD LADIES

I recently had a conversation with Kelly that went something like this:

Kelly: "Lauren’s so funny – I’m so glad we found her. Corney- but God had a plan moving her here…"

Christian: "Not corney, I agree with you. I just think we’re going to be the three old ladies sitting at the coffee shop one day yelling at 'those pesky kids!' It’ll be fun!"

Kelly: "[Or] sitting in our rockers on the front porch drinking sweet tea!!"

I LOVE IT! I do see us one day being those old ladies. I think our loud, sarcastic, goofy (occasionally a bit crude) personalities will not change even when the wrinkles come. I look forward to many years of girls night out and deep conversation, I look forward to watching our kids grow up together, I look forward to helping each other through the good times and the bad times, I look forward to the future.

So today I'm thankful for Lauren and Kelly! Perhaps later I can get Lauren to make up one of her fabulous fake toast to include in this post as well :)!

Reflection

Saturday was a stressful, yet wonderful day. This weekend I had the privilege of sharing in Crystal Smith's special day by fixing all the bridesmaids' hair. It was exciting yet stressful. The more time that passed, the more nervous the bride became, making her mom even more nervous, leaving me fixing the last two ladies' hair with shaking hands.

The wedding went well and as I sat there watching Crystal's face, I couldn't help but smile. At that moment I was flooded with a multitude of memories from my wedding day and more importantly from the last four years of my marriage. I remember that moment, the moment I walked down the aisle and caught Jarrad's eyes. At that moment I could have been walking down the aisle naked and would not have cared. It truly was the happiest day of my life.

Now rewind for a moment. Go back 13 years. I was 12 with the female version of a bowl cut, baggy jeans and a Dallas Cowboys jersey (I didn't even like Dallas so I don't know why I chose that team). Jarrad was 13 wearing Nike Air Zooms, a puffy jacket and baggy jeans and somehow we were set-up on a "blind date" (you'll notice I'll use quotes a lot in the upcoming content because my parents definitely weren't allowing me to date at the age of 12. I was allowed to go to the movies as long as they picked me up and dropped me off and I was allowed to hang out in the living room with my "boy friend" as long as there was parental supervision). But I digress.....At the age of 12 & 13 Jarrad and I meet for the first time and there was an instant connection. I actually found my diary from middle school and I quote: "Jarrad and I are a perfect couple. I can see us getting married one day."

So I know what you're thinking and NO, we haven't been together since we were 12. However, no matter how hard we tried we couldn't stay away from each other. We were back together again my junior year in high school and that's all it took. I believe I was completely right, even at the age of 12, when I said he and I are the perfect couple. I'm so grateful every day that God provided me with a husband that truly is my best friend first. In my opinion, we are the perfect couple.

Jarrad and I have very opposite personalities that seem to intertwine just perfectly. Jarrad has brought a sense of calmness to my life that I didn't have before. Even now tears fill my eyes when I think about exactly how much I love him. Jarrad knows what I'm thinking before I verbalize it, he's more than happy to take me for midol and ice cream when I'm PMSing, he makes me laugh on a daily basis. For Jarrad, everything is fine and will work out. I feel safest when I'm near him.

I've been talking about mine and Jarrad's relationship to my friends and family a lot lately and one phrase always escapes my lips: "For me, marriage gets better every year." Knowing each other for the last 13 years, being together for the last 10 and being married for the last 4, I've found that Jarrad and I have and still are growing up together. Sure we disagree on lots of subjects, but respect is huge in our relationship. I respect his thoughts, beliefs and opinions and he respects mine. To this point, everything has simply worked for us and we continue to work towards common goals.

Jarrad and I have been through a lot, dealing with the death of his father,dealing with separation as he entered his career in the military and I began college, dealing with his brother being schizophrenic and discovering his mental illness when he lived with us and working through his hospitalization, dealing with Jarrad being off at war, pawning anything and everything to make rent....and through it all, we've only grown stronger as a couple.

And let's not forget, though I mention the stressful times we've encountered, the good times outweigh it all such as....getting Sarge for my birthday and Mackey for Valentines day (those are my two beagles), fishing, the purchase of our first car together, getting out of that tiny apartment, new friends, nice dinners out where we pretend to have lots of money, long walks together, bowling, long conversations during our 11 hour drives to Alabama, the list goes on.

As we wind down at night either snuggled up on our couch or snuggled together in bed, I find myself sitting there staring into Jarrad's eyes and smiling. When I look into his eyes I see kindness, understanding, endless love, patience and compassion and I feel like the luckiest person in the world to have married him.

So here's to Crystal and Brad and all couples just now entering marriage. I hope you are as happy as I.



Hopefully I can add a couple of pictures of the happy bride and groom this afternoon.

Such a Heavy Heart

I've been plagued with a heavy heart the last two days and it's been weighing heavily on me both emotionally and physically. I just feel like God's trying to get my attention but for what reason I do not know. Sometimes I just want to scream "SPEAK UP!" but I'm sure he's screaming "JUST LISTEN!"

If only I knew all the answers and if only I was good at listening. How do you train yourself to hear what God is telling you? I want to reach out to someone for help, but how do you explain to someone that you know there's a reason for the feeling but you don't know how to figure that out. Most importantly, how can you explain this to someone, when you can't even explain it to yourself. I JUST WISH THE ANSWER WOULD LITERALLY SMACK ME IN THE HEAD!!! Now THAT would catch my attention.

Prayer and Surrender

Unfortunately I didn't sleep at all Saturday night and by Sunday I had a pretty miserable sinus infection and high fever. I sat there debating rather or not I should stay on the couch for the day or if I should go ahead and get ready for church. Since I apparently missed a wonderful service last Sunday, I wasn't about to do the same this Sunday so up I went, nasty runny nose and all and I'm so glad I did.

Sometimes I think the messages at Church at the Triangle are tailored just for me. This week's focus was prayer and surrender. Which is something I struggle with. I find that often I say to God, here I am, I surrender to you, do as you want with me but in the back of my head I'm saying....as long as it doesn't interfere with X, Y & Z. It was good for me to hear yesterday's message because lately not only have I prayed that God will take me and do as he pleases, but I pray that I will be brave enough and that God will provide the courage for me to follow through with whatever he requests.

Birthday Fun!

Yesterday was WONDERFUL!!! There's nothing like girls day out for a bit of birthday fun.

But before girls night began, we had to make a little ice cream stop with Riley and Cameron. I can't resist sharing some very cute pictures:






After ice cream we were off for manis and pedis and then finally landed at my all time favorite hangout, RUCKUS PIZZA, for a very relaxed night outside full of girl talk, sorry....not going to share the juicy details of that conversation.




Oh, and did I mention that the little gift Cameron gave me before leaving him had to come along as well?



In all seriousness, I thank God every day for the wonderful friends he has put into my life. I would go absolutely insane if I didn't have a few awesome chicks with which I can vent, laugh, cry and celebrate special occasions. Thank you Kelly and Lauren for a very awesome night!

ONCE UPON A TIME

OK- first let me apologize because this is going to be another long post and I know I promised not do that again.

SO- I've been fighting with myself lately....yea, I know... That seems to be a trend with me but I can assure you I don't have a personality disorder. But I've been fighting with myself because I've been shy about telling my latest story....I'm just not sure why I'm so scared, maybe I don't want some of my friends to think they've lost the Christian they know (which, PS- I'M STILL HERE, SAME CHRISTIAN), maybe it's hard for me to admit that I'm experiencing some changes in my life...I just don't know and don't pretend to know so here goes.

......Big Deep Breath......

I grew up in a very Christian home and, being daddy's little girl, my dad was a huge influence on my life. After witnessing my dad sprinting out of the house on a number of occasions with his Bible in hand to go see a friend that was hurting, or to watch my dad's consistently positive attitude, feeling his love on a daily basis and hearing my dad's story (I'll save that one for another day...possibly father's day)- I wanted to be like my dad. So at the age of 7, I welcomed Jesus into my life. But while I was daddy's perfect little angel...at least until I was 12, I still didn't know what it meant to do so.

Fast Forward through the horrible bad and awkward years of middle school and straight to high school. There was a new pastor at my church at the time and with him was a wonderful wife. Sweet as can be, they came in and actually wanted to focus on the teenagers, which, in the old church I grew up in, rarely happened. They took us to this weekend long conference for teenagers and that was my first experience with more contemporary music, my first experience with a mass of people my age interested in growing in their walk with Jesus. It was here that I really felt God with me. After a day of meetings and classes and worship, during prayer time I felt God put his hand on my shoulder and say, "I'm here." I sat in my pew, balling my eyes out. It was here that I truly asked God to come into my life. And things went well, I became active in my church and life was good. But then at the end of my Junior year in high school, it was their time to leave the church and a new pastor came in. Well, things went back to how they used to be....my relationship with God became a roller coaster ride...I stuck up for him and my beliefs when I wanted to or when it was convenient and did so throughout the rest of high school and college. Though I maintained a personal relationship with God through it all and never changed my beliefs, my actions didn't always reflect those beliefs.

After college graduation and my first years of marriage I began searching for that place to belong once again. The first place I found myself was a Baptist church near our apartment. The people were nice enough and the pastor even came to visit a couple of times. On one such occasion, when I was off working, he came to visit and my husband asked God into his life. So something wonderful came from that church, but that's not where I belonged. I didn't believe in a lot of the teachings from this pastor and found myself extremely agitated after some of his messages. I stayed here for almost two years, but it only became worse and my attendance and participation definitely began to dwindle.

We then moved into a town house on a different side of town and I took that opportunity to try out another church. I went, off and on...I guess when I needed "a fix" but didn't attend as often as possible. Another 10 months past and I tried one church near Holly Springs (this is where we moved next) and I still just wasn't where I needed to be.

Well, here goes the good stuff. Little did I know that a girl named Lauren would join our softball team and lead me to check out a new kind of church, Church at the Triangle. I was instantly drawn to this church and found myself acting like a blubbering idiot throughout the entire music portion of the service. The only way I can describe what I was feeling then was a feeling of belonging. I knew then and there that I was where I was supposed to be. For the first time in my life I found myself excited about Sunday and couldn't wait to get there. Now I know I want to help this church grow and reach their goals. Now I'll use the PR skills I've gained over the last four years and many new skills I'm creating as I go because I don't have the answers, to help this church through its launch. Even more exciting for me is that I get to join Lauren in a group to focus on College students. I feel here I can relate to these students and hopefully help provide them a place to worship while they're away from home.

Now I focused on the fact that I'm now getting involved, but what I didn't mentioned is that I've met some wonderful people that are now helping me grow in my Christianity. I'm no where near perfect, and I have lots of questions and very few answers that I'm hoping to discover over the coming months. I'm looking to grow in my walk with Jesus and I believe it'll be people like Lauren, mentioned previously, her husband Steve, Lead pastor Lee and others that will help guide me. I'm not exactly one to be providing the teachings of Jesus to others as I myself need to further study and learn, but what I can do is tell others about the blessings I've received and the love I've felt. I've been hit with some major hardships over the last few years and it's when I've said to God, I give up, here I am, take me, tell me what to do... that something always happens to save me from those hardships.

THE BEGINNING-OK, I know typically I'd say the end here, but it's not....so again......

THE BEGINNING..........

Let's Try to Actually Play Some Defense...........Christian

So Tom Boy Christian and Girlie Christian got in a fight last night and Girlie Christian WON...which isn't good in the middle of a softball game. Last night's game was a bit of a bummer........BUT, that's not what I want to focus on.

Softball has opened up many doors and many friendships over the years and I'd like to introduce you to some of the awesome people I get to hang out with on a regular basis:


Meet Derek and Stacy, Derek currently leads the males in batting averages and Stacy leads the females....yes, it was a bit hard for me to give up my reign, but I'll humbly sit in 2nd place




Now meet Kelly- she and Chris are the team's coaches. I've been playing with them for about four years.....Kelly's a pretty awesome chick and I love her to death!




The following lady is Lauren. We found Lauren on Craig's list (sorry girl, I know you don't want that to be your claim to fame) and thought she'd just come and be a female body on the team, but she's turned about to be an AWESOME second baseman and a great team player



Now meet Lauren's son Cameron.....I think the picture says enough......I just want to eat him up!!!!





And this is Derek's daughter Kenzie...she's a sweety too




I love this team!!!!


THE END

Layers

"What you see is what you get?" Not really, I think everyone has multiple layers but they only reveal those layers to a few special people in their lives. Well, since I know my blogs will all be focused around how I'm feeling when I post, I thought I'd introduce you to all of my layers now.

Meet "Corporate Christian": Corporate Christian is a total workaholic. She walks with a certain air about her, typically dressed in some of the latest trends (courtesy of Target and Forever21-what?!?! I don't make a lot of money), and is confident in her abilities. Corporate Christian will walk up to the CEO of a company and tell him his speech wasn't all that great or that his blog sucked, but will then politely provide appropriate suggestions.

Independent Christian: Independent Christian changes her own break pads, deals with car issues, likes to make the decisions. It's not that I don't have a willing and capable husband, because I do, but there is that part of me that feels the need to prove I can do things on my own.

Tom Boy Christian: Tom Boy Christian likes to hit the gym on a daily basis, likes to fish, ride 4-wheelers and horses, doesn't mind being barefoot, LOVES softball, WANTS to be the star on the team (though I know I'm far from it) and doesn't mind a scraped bloody knee.

OK- while the above mentioned are multiple layers, they're still only one side of me. There is another side of me that is quite the opposite. Here are my remaining layers:

Sensitive Christian: Sensitive Christian cries at Church or more accurately fights back tears at church on a regular basis. Sensitive Christian feels the need to mother her friends, her husband, her brother, her dogs and even her friend's children. Sensitive Christian loves to both give and receive love. Sensitive Christian gets sentimental over a lot of things, particularly when it comes to mine and my husbands walk together. SensitiveChristian can literally feel her heart breaking and ripping apart when someone she loves is hurting. Sensitive Christian cries- sometimes for no reason!

Girlie Christian: Girlie Christian fights with Tom Boy Christian on a regular basis because Girlie Christian really hates to be dirty and sweaty. Girlie Christian still believes in chilvary, loves it when her husband opens doors for her, guides her through doorways by pushing on the small of her back, holds her hand. Girlie Girlie Christian gives way to her independent tendencies and takes enjoyment out of having her husband take care of her. Girlie Christian loves to dress up for her husband because he can be extremely complimentary. Girlie Christian's favorite color is PINK...I love pink :)

WEIRD CHRISTIAN: I think weird Christian is my favorite. Weird Christian will break out in song and/or dance in the middle of a store (much to my husband's embarrassment). Weird Christian says random things, does random things and is just...well, weird. You never know when this persona will come out but it's my personal opinion that this part of me is the fun part. Take the time to get to know me and you'll come to simply expect it.

So I apologize for being long winded in this post, I promise I won't typically bore you to death with each post, but I think by understanding the many layers of me, you might better understand future posts and the emotion behind them.