I'm struggling. I've sat back and asked for Gods help time and time again, but the answer isn't there. He isn't ready to help. I'm guessing you're asking yourself: "what is she babbling about?"
Well, here goes. Obviously everyone knows I went 3+ months without a job. During that time, a lot of my bills suffered. After starting my new job, I went on the hunt for a part-time job. Found an awesome part-time nanny position that fit perfectly with my schedule. But things are falling apart. Don't get me wrong, I'm in love with the little girl. She is an angel that has brought many much needed smiles to my face but the struggles of dealing with her mom is not easy. Sadly, I'm going to have to say goodbye to her and pursue other part-time opportunities.
I'm stressing over how to pay Jarrad's tuition as he is busting his ass this semester to get done with school. So I'm so worried I will fail him by not coming through. And with all these bills that I'm still catching up on, I never have an extra dime to put towards anything.
With that comes the fact that I feel I've failed as a daughter and as a sister. What kind of sister can't come up with a small gift, a token of their love for their sister that was recently married? What daughter keeps her parents worried to death about rather or not she's paying her bills? Apparently me.
There are so many nights that I just want to curl up in a ball and give up. It's hard to keep going when you feel like you're running in place and getting no where. So what's next? Well, I have Friday off so it looks like I'm going to be spending the one day I should be relaxing, searching for a new part-time job and I can only pray that something will be a good fit and that I can start right away.
So why am I telling you all of this? Well, really no reason. Because this is my personal blog and a place to rant and rave and unfortunately, as my small group of readers, you have to listen. But don't worry- as a way to counter the depression I'm sure I just brought on you, I've included some pictures of the little girl I nanny.
Now she is a cutey and every time she says my name she melts my heart and she knows it. I will forever be grateful to her for bringing silly smiles to my face and I only wish I could continue to keep her...unfortunately, I can't afford to. So enjoy. Hopefully this will help me keep the memories of her in my heart forever.
2 comments:
I love you and miss you and Kelly so much, Christian. I hate hearing/reading your struggles, but please know you're not alone! Whoever your "readers" are, you can be sure that they (we) are just as desperate for some sort of change or progress in our own lives. It's hard to be thankful in the moment when tomorrow looks scary, but you are an amazing woman, and are such a blessing to anyone who has the privilege of knowing you! Try to make the most of today. Wish I could hug you! Love you.
Smile - God has his way of working through things!!!
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