"Tell me who admires and loves you, and I will tell you who you are." ~ Charles Augustin Sainte-Beuve
To be admired is a gift or reward for something you've worked hard to accomplish or for being someone worth admiring for whatever reason. I've been told people admire me for being such a hard worker and for being determined to make it work, one way or the other but I don't see it as something to admire. For me, I do it out of necessity. Bills must be paid, food must be on the table. These are things you can't ignore so you can choose to sit back and give up to sooner or later be left with nothing or you can do something about it. My dad was a do something about it kind of man and I saw how his hard work paid off so why wouldn't I be that way?
But there are other things for which I wish I was admired. I admire a number of people for reasons I wish I could be admired. I admire my best friend from high school because she was always, 100%, unapologetically herself, something I wished I could do but I worried too much about what others thought of me to let it go. There are people that see me the way I truly am but it took time and years for them to see that. It's something that a lot of times not even my parents or siblings can see because I don't feel comfortable enough around them to let it all out.
I admire a number of people that have been put in my path throughout the years that are so dedicated to serving God and to showing others God's love and they do this without hesitation. I admire them for standing up for their beliefs no matter what happens as a result of their tenacity. I, however, have always been afraid of judgment and of ruffling feathers. So what if I do that? Right? Well, I like to think that but for those times I have stood up for my God, it took every ounce of strength I could mustard to stand my ground.
I admire my husband for always being himself and for doing what he wants to do instead of worrying about or seeking approval of others. He does what he wants, that's the way it's going to be and who cares what others think. How can he do that? I can't- I'm too afraid of hurting feelings or stepping on toes.
I feel chained down by my own hesitations and weaknesses sometimes and because of that, I lose my happiness a little when these realizations start to weigh heavily on me.
I've publicly asked what words others would use to describe me and they were all the same: hard working, dedicated and team player. I'm not upset those words are used to describe me. I definitely do work my ass off to make things happen but one day I'd like to add some more to that. One day, once I figure out exactly what it is, others will talk about how devoted I am/was to my beliefs. One day, I'll hear less about my hard work and dedication and more about my creativity, my brilliance, my tenacity and about how I'm always unapologetically myself but in order to do that, I first have to make some changes in my own life. Those are things I'll work towards in the coming years.
What do you admire most in people? What words would you like others to use to describe you?
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