Admiration for Others

"Tell me who admires and loves you, and I will tell you who you are." ~ Charles Augustin Sainte-Beuve

To be admired is a gift or reward for something you've worked hard to accomplish or for being someone worth admiring for whatever reason. I've been told people admire me for being such a hard worker and for being determined to make it work, one way or the other but I don't see it as something to admire. For me, I do it out of necessity. Bills must be paid, food must be on the table. These are things you can't ignore so you can choose to sit back and give up to sooner or later be left with nothing or you can do something about it. My dad was a do something about it kind of man and I saw how his hard work paid off so why wouldn't I be that way?

But there are other things for which I wish I was admired. I admire a number of people for reasons I wish I could be admired. I admire my best friend from high school because she was always, 100%, unapologetically herself, something I wished I could do but I worried too much about what others thought of me to let it go. There are people that see me the way I truly am but it took time and years for them to see that. It's something that a lot of times not even my parents or siblings can see because I don't feel comfortable enough around them to let it all out. 

I admire a number of people that have been put in my path throughout the years that are so dedicated to serving God and to showing others God's love and they do this without hesitation. I admire them for standing up for their beliefs no matter what happens as a result of their tenacity. I, however, have always been afraid of judgment and of ruffling feathers. So what if I do that? Right? Well, I like to think that but for those times I have stood up for my God, it took every ounce of strength I could mustard to stand my ground. 

I admire my husband for always being himself and for doing what he wants to do instead of worrying about or seeking approval of others. He does what he wants, that's the way it's going to be and who cares what others think. How can he do that? I can't- I'm too afraid of hurting feelings or stepping on toes. 

I feel chained down by my own hesitations and weaknesses sometimes and because of that, I lose my happiness a little when these realizations start to weigh heavily on me. 

I've publicly asked what words others would use to describe me and they were all the same: hard working, dedicated and team player. I'm not upset those words are used to describe me. I definitely do work my ass off to make things happen but one day I'd like to add some more to that. One day, once I figure out exactly what it is, others will talk about how devoted I am/was to my beliefs. One day, I'll hear less about my hard work and dedication and more about my creativity, my brilliance, my tenacity and about how I'm always unapologetically myself but in order to do that, I first have to make some changes in my own life. Those are things I'll work towards in the coming years. 

What do you admire most in people? What words would you like others to use to describe you?

Friday Brain Dump - you've been warned

One of my goals this year is to cut all of the excess stuff that makes my life more stressful, unpleasant or that takes time away from simply enjoying myself, time with my husband or my poor loyal dogs that look at at me each day as if they're thinking: "this is the day, yes, this is the day she'll take us on that LONG walk she keeps promising."

I have a major flaw. I know, I know, I'm sure this is a HUGE shock to you . My flaw is simple to understand - I take on too much. Maybe it's because I think I can do it all or maybe because I have a hard time letting go of control (I suspect it's a mixture of both, with a larger dosage of not being able to let go of control). Since the beginning of the year, I've made a good attempt at trimming the fat but there's still more. Being so sick these last few months has forced me to realize, I'm not super-woman (though I wish I had an excuse to wear that super cute outfit and cape). I can't do it all and I'm happiest when I allow myself to simply let go and enjoy so why do I seem to struggle with that so much?

That's a good question but I don't have that answer. Maybe as an outsider you can enlighten me. What I do know, however, is that I can make a conscious effort to be better about it. 

I'm still trying to get healthy, which was a goal as well (to finally take care of myself and stop ignoring physical ailments) and am confident they'll eventually figure it out and I simply pray that I can emotionally keep it together until they do (which is getting harder and harder by the day).

In the mean time, I'm going to continue to cut out all of the excess in my life. I want to narrow my focus to my spouse, my career, my health and our (Jarrad, me and our pack of beagles) happiness.  I think in this case, simplicity is key and once I get my list of focuses down to those I just mentioned, I think I will have finally found a state of simplicity which equates to happiness in my mind. 

Dear Stomach, You're Ruining My LIFE

Dear Stomach, 

Please stop. Your persistent nagging and painful reminders that all is NOT well, have gotten through. I get it, I'm working on it but in the meantime do you think it possible you can back off, even just a little?

Sincerely,
Me

These days I'm living off the five Ps: 

1. Probiotics
2. Prilozac
3. Pineaple Juice
4. Pickles
5. Pepto

Now add to that list a prescription for the nausea and some other stuff I really don't want to talk about.

I've been dealing with some major stomach issues lately that have taken a toll on me. I can't eat (those who know me, know I really do love to eat), I constantly feel sick and as if I'm on the verge of vomitting, the pain radiates to my back leaving golf ball sized knots and to my neck, this gives me a headache for which I have to take medicine which just makes my stomach hurt worse. 
I haven't been able to go to the gym in over two weeks as that just seems to make the pain worse (I miss Zumba) and I love the gym, it makes me feel good about myself. And the exhaustion, I feel exhausted ALL THE TIME! 

The worst part has been that I'm in a foul mood almost every day. Seriously, like I will bite someone's head off any minute and that scares the hell out of me. Jarrad has been great. He checks on me daily, does extra at the house because he knows a messy house drives me nuts but I just don't have the energy to do anything about it, when I have a good day, he tells me all day long how glad he is that it's a good day and here I am, feeling like I may snap any minute and for what? Because, he's doing more around the house? Because he's genuinely concerned? Wow, what a bitch I would be if I acted on that impulse and Saturday I did. Saturday Jarrad was napping in the bedroom with Sarge and me on the couch with the other pups and Sarge started scratching to be let out. In my vicious state, I told myself Jarrad was ignoring Sarge so I'd be the one to get up and let him out so after 30 minutes, I stomp in the room, let Sarge out, bark at Jarrad and slam the door. WTF?!! He didn't deserve that and of course that put him in a bad mood (how could he not?).

What scares me the most, I think, is not only not knowing but I have this huge fear that I'll have test after test after test run and they'll still find nothing. I'm tired of it, I'm done and I'm doing something about it because the last three months have proven to me that this time, it's not getting better. It's just getting worse. 


Please say a little prayer that the Dr.'s will figure something out VERY soon.I don't want to be a horrible wife, I don't want a negative attitude, I don't want to be in a perpetual state of sickness for the rest of my life. I'm active and I was to remain that way. 


OK, that's my vent for the day. Sorry to be whinny but I had to get it out. Now, what can I do for my husband as a little thank you for being amazing?

2011- The Year of the Sullivan's

When Jarrad finally passed all the tests and received his broker's license, he sold his first house the very next day. It was then that we started saying "the year of the Sullivan's is upon us!" and it's finally here. 

Since going three months without a job from October 2008-January 2009, we've struggled to get back on top. At that time, we were barely making it. We were excited that all of our bills were paid every month (which took us a few years to get to that point) and though we were still living pay check to pay check, we were content because nothing was behind and while not having extra money proved to be a bit of a bummer, the months following my change in career paths took a major toll on us financially. Tip #1 from this post that I'm sure will go on forever- never leave a job in October, from October-December 31st every organization has the purse strings closed while preparing and determining projections and needs for the following year. 


Moving on, we felt like we were back to our first years of marriage where we struggled and you played the toss up game with your bills (you know, you toss them up in the air and whichever ones land on the table are the ones that get paid that month and the rest just have to wait). There were some scary times, wondering how you're going to eat, if the power company would hold off just a few more days until you could come up with the money to pay that bill and even worse, how were you going to get gas money to drive to work to make the money you need to survive. With the start of a new job came some relief, but still, with so much behind, paying for school out of pocket and still bringing in a single income, catching up seemed impossible. All we could do was grab hold of the Tiger's tail and hold on for dear life, praying the whole way that he wouldn't turn around and bite us. 


So Jarrad finally finishes school in May 2010 and sets out to find a full-time job, never thinking what he would find would be his career. Starting out as an office manager for a Real Estate broker, the owner immediately saw the potential in Jarrad and pushed him to get his broker's license. Once again, we were paying for classes out of pocket and did I mention the diesel engine in Jarrad's jeep witnessed mechanical failure, leaving us with only one vehicle as we tried to figure out how to deal with a $4,000 engine repair on a shoe-string budget. 


We plowed through with more determination than ever. Not only were we both working full-time, but we were taking on every additional opportunity to make money that was humanly possible, double and triple booking ourselves after work and on the weekends. This year, I was: 

• A Mechanic
• A landscaper
• A nanny
• Regular ole Babysitter
• Contract Painter
• Maid/toilet cleaner
• Personal Assistant
• Housesitter/ Pet Caregiver
• Hair Dresser & Makeup artist

I'm sure there are others I'm missing but you get the point. We fought the good fight and while 2010 may have gotten us in overall score, we made 2010 our bitch in the end. Now that 2011 is here, I'm so excited for the future. The burden of financial stress has weighed heavily on me in the past and for the first time, well, EVER, we're not only paying our bills but we're paying out more than the minimum and watching has our debts are slowly and steadily fading. 


With this, conversation during our long trips to Alabama changed this year during the holidays. Instead of playing the, if we were to win the lottery, game we spoke realistically about getting rid of debt, living more comfortably and reaching very specific goals. 

Yep, the year of the Sullivan's is here- 2011. Though our 6.5 years of marriage have proven to be a major struggle financially, we are one of the few couples that can actually say financial strife did not cause relational turmoil but instead brought us closer together as we've grown and matured in our relationship and now we're finally getting an opportunity to truly enjoy each other without that nagging that's always in the back of your mind when you're concerned about having the funding for the absolute necessities. 


I truly have to thank God for this opportunity. There were so many times when I tried and tried and gave it absolutely everything I had in an attempt to stay afloat but I can't tell you how many nights I found myself sitting on the steps outside our house saying, "OK God, I give up. I can't do it, I've got nothing else to give. You take this, you handle it for a while." Somehow, someway it worked out and it came in so many different forms. Sometimes opportunities to work for additional income, sometimes the help of some amazing friends and a lot of times the help from my parents that knew I was unwilling to admit defeat but were smart enough to recognize that there were times I had no option.

So this year, I will not set resolutions I do not intend to keep. This year, Jarrad and I have set goals instead, goals that are in-fact attainable and that we plan to reach one step at a time and we'll do it, no matter how slow the process may seem, and we will come out victorious.


Yep, 2011 is going to be an amazing year!

A Holiday Tradition

2010 has been a year of ups and downs, more ups than downs when I look back and really think about it. For once, I feel like not only do I see the light at the end of my tunnel but that the sun is actually shining on my face a bit now. 2011 will be the year of the Sullivans and I'm overwhelmed with anxiousness, happiness and excitement. But more on that later. I'd prefer to hold that post for the beginning of the year.



Tonight Christmas is on my mind, along with holiday traditions. Tonight we finally put up our Christmas tree, yes, December 15th (We're really on top of things) and the tree is finally up. The Alabama Crimson Tide Christmas tree none-the-less. I remember when I lived at home with my mom, I insisted on the tree being green with white lights and very beautiful, innate ornaments with colors of crimson and gold. When I was a kid I insisted on a tree with multi-colored lights and all the ornaments I made in school being included. Each year my mother complied without hesitation and now I know why. Mine and Jarrad's tradition started last year with a few Alabama ornaments. I thought it would be nice to have a white tree with lots of silver and crimson ornaments, some donning the Alabama A, Al the Crimson Tide Mascot and it escalated from there. Now I can't get enough and I do it because it makes Jarrad happy and that makes me happy. I think we'll just continue to add to this tradition year after year, collecting more and more ornaments. I like this small tradition.

Another tradition I love is Christmas baking with Kelly. This year was year number five. I look forward to it every year- peppermint bark, fudge, muddy buddies, peanut butter kisses cookies....Yum! And I think we get a little better at it each and every year.

However, while licking a wooden spoon coated in melted white chocolate with just a hint of peppermint is to die for, that's not even close to the reason why I love this tradition so very much. Life keeps us busy. With the speed at which we live our lives these days, it can sometimes take weeks of planning just to find time to stop and enjoy the company of a friend without worrying about where you have to be when you leave or what's next on your plate. I can't even remember the days of when I just stopped by a friends house unannounced because I was bored, who has time to be bored? Not this chick!

Instead, besides the moments where you have to concentrate on the precision of how you are melting chocolate, it becomes a day to reconnect. To catch up on what's been happening in your friend's life, to share laughs, to remember why that person  is so special to you and exactly why they're your friend. Most importantly, it's a memory we share together and that's something I cherish each year because no matter my situation, in that moment everything is as it should be.

Things are nice, I can't deny that acquiring new "things" has put a smile on my face, it makes me feel good for the moment but those moments pass and it's these time we share that lingers most. This Christmas, I hope you focus more on the traditions that make remember the important things in life.


Now I leave you with a picture of the tastiest cookies ever to salivate over. If you ask me nicely perhaps I'll share one or two with you over a glass of milk or eggnog. Merry Christmas!!

Blue-sa-phine's Trip to the SPCA

No, I haven't forgotten about my blog. I know I have at least ten post ideas I've written in my notebook as the weeks have passed by but unfortunately, life can sometimes prevent us from doing what we enjoy most.

The good news is, I have actually started a new post which should go live by the end of this coming weekend. In the meantime, I wanted to share a story. My friend Kelly is a funny bitch. Let's just start there. Yesterday she emailed me about taking Blue (nick-named Blue-sa-phine for his feminine like ways)to the SPCA to be fixed. That's right, the boys had to go!

With her permission of course, I'm going to share the story, in her words. As you read, imagine a little petite, feisty brunette that tells it like it is. Hopefully that will give you the visual you need to make this as funny to you as it is to me:

POOR BLUE! I took his non-suspecting ass to the SPCA today...He got no breakfast, and very little water this a.m. Annnnd jumped right int he car and rode with me, like an unsuspecting dummy, to the place [SPCA. I filled out paperwork and took him in. When I handed the leash over to the lady, he looked at me, with sad eyes, as if saying "but...mama...I thought we were gonna play today??" and it broke my heart and I almost cried.

I'll pick his pathetic self up promptly at 5.

Oh Kelly, you make me smile on even the worst of days!

And So I Write

Whoa! I haven't posted since APRIL! Wow, how the last few months have consumed me and it's my fault for allowing it.

Sometimes life gets so overwhelming that I have to simply stop and remind myself to breathe. I'm so busy trying to reach goals, so I push through days and months passing time, forgetting to enjoy the moments that are happening now.

Occasionally, I just lose days and weeks because my brain is a whirlwind of to dos, financial obligations, trying to keep track of everyone else and appease everyone else.

And so I write...

I write to remind myself to slow down and enjoy the moment.

And so I write...

to force myself to take a moment to reflect on the days and weeks that have passed

And so I write....


There is so much that I can both laugh and cry about that has happened over the last few months but what bothers me the most is that the one thought continuously playing in my head is "what happened to last week?" or the worst I've thought so far, "what happened to June?" I spend so much time trying to get to the light at the end of the tunnel, but truthfully these highs and lows are all a part of life. Shit happens, right? So why sit around trying to make time go by faster than necessary. One day I'd like to be able to tell my children or grandchildren all the things their grand/parents had to do to survive and get through each day. I want to be able to say, "but those things didn't matter because we had each other and we know how to make each other smile." The problem is, how am I going to be able to tell those stories if I can't pull my head out of the sand and embrace EVERYTHING that is happening in my life, right here, right now.

Challenge: My challenge to both myself and my readers is to try to take the good with the bad without getting so caught up in the bad that you don't enjoy the good. Embrace the hardships because as hard as it is to believe right now, they too will pass.