And So I Write

Whoa! I haven't posted since APRIL! Wow, how the last few months have consumed me and it's my fault for allowing it.

Sometimes life gets so overwhelming that I have to simply stop and remind myself to breathe. I'm so busy trying to reach goals, so I push through days and months passing time, forgetting to enjoy the moments that are happening now.

Occasionally, I just lose days and weeks because my brain is a whirlwind of to dos, financial obligations, trying to keep track of everyone else and appease everyone else.

And so I write...

I write to remind myself to slow down and enjoy the moment.

And so I write...

to force myself to take a moment to reflect on the days and weeks that have passed

And so I write....


There is so much that I can both laugh and cry about that has happened over the last few months but what bothers me the most is that the one thought continuously playing in my head is "what happened to last week?" or the worst I've thought so far, "what happened to June?" I spend so much time trying to get to the light at the end of the tunnel, but truthfully these highs and lows are all a part of life. Shit happens, right? So why sit around trying to make time go by faster than necessary. One day I'd like to be able to tell my children or grandchildren all the things their grand/parents had to do to survive and get through each day. I want to be able to say, "but those things didn't matter because we had each other and we know how to make each other smile." The problem is, how am I going to be able to tell those stories if I can't pull my head out of the sand and embrace EVERYTHING that is happening in my life, right here, right now.

Challenge: My challenge to both myself and my readers is to try to take the good with the bad without getting so caught up in the bad that you don't enjoy the good. Embrace the hardships because as hard as it is to believe right now, they too will pass.

Because I'm a Social Media Dork

Thank You Kotex

I know I'm probably a little late to the game here. I mean, most of you have seen the new Kotex commercials but I had to share because now I know that I'm not the only one that's watched a Tampon commercial and thought, "who the hell experiences that when they have their period." So for your viewing pleasure:

Learn to Laugh at Yourself!

What do you get when there are Four blondes at a four-way stop? Eternity!

Two Blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock their car door with a coat hanger. First blonde: "I can't get this door unlocked!" Second Blonde: "Well you better hurry up! It's going to rain and the top's down."

I'm in a great mood today. The sun is shining, lunch was outside today, I'm remaining productive at work even though I can't stop staring out the window, it Friday......the list just goes on. So, I've been holding onto this post for a couple of weeks, waiting until the time is right and based on my mood today, it is.

Life Lesson 1 (who knows, this could become a series): Learn to Laugh At Yourself!

Because, let's face it, if you can't laugh at yourself, then you're probably a pretty miserable person.

I'm a natural blonde and as hard as I try not to fall into that stereotypical category, every now and again, I slip up. Maybe it's because I'm blonde, maybe it's because I'm a gemini and they tend to be "flakey," maybe it's just because that's the way God made me.

I tend to speak before I think, I'm tall and clumsy and memorization was never my strong suite. Sometimes things will come out of my mouth that even I will stop and think, "wait, what the hell are you talking about?"

I'm an English major that sucks at spelling, the golfer that occasionally let's her club slip out of her hands only to watch it land in the pond or on the roof of the club house, the wife that burns food. But in retrospect, all of these things are minor and who cares if I'm a little flakey....at least you get a good laugh when you're around me right?

I've considered dying my hair just so it doesn't seem so bad when I do these things but as my dad says, "that's just artificial intelligence. Plus, what happens if the fumes from the dye kill a few brain cells, then things will just get worse."

Why should you care about all this? Because I'm trying to prove a point so stop being impatient and just keep reading.

Here is my life lesson for you today. You are who you are. Stop trying to be like everyone else and just be comfortable with you. So what if you're not perfect, really, who is? And it's tiring trying to be perfect, or trying not to do silly things, or make mistakes. Be unapologetically you. And if those around you can't handle that, then they shouldn't be the individuals with whom you choose to spend time. And when you do something a little off kilter, just laugh it off and keep going.

That's my lesson for the day. Happy Easter Weekend!

This too Shall Pass

Sometimes the stress and anxiety of life hits me so hard that I almost fall to my knees. Like today for example. One of the most financially stressful month's of my life, I feel like I'm back to the first year of marriage or back to the three months I went without a job. I'm realizing just how fragile our budget and income still is where every small thing really sets it off for the month and it kills me. Usually I can get to work and forget about it for a while but sometimes I can't. Sometimes there are days like today where I just can't shake that feeling of anxiety, where I'm uncertain of what to do next and I'm not even sure what to do with myself. On those days, I have to get the anxiety out somehow in order to function for the rest of the day. Luckily for you, one way I do that is through writing which means you don't have to go another day staring at the same post that's been up for a couple of weeks now (or has it been longer? I'm not sure).

Keeping with my 2010 theme of avoiding the darkness, I thought perhaps I could look at what I'm thankful for. And maybe you've read these things on my blog in the past, probably through my 30 days of thanks, but sometimes I just need to be reminded.

1. I'm thankful for my husband. The one person that knows how to comfort me or put a smile on my face even on the worst of days

2. I'm thankful for my family. Without their support over the years, Im not sure how we would have survived.

3. I'm thankful for having a job I love and can't wait to get to on a daily basis. That's a big sanity saver there :)

4. I'm thankful fishing season is on it's way in. It's something relatively inexpensive, and there's nothing like chilling out on the boat with the warm sun and cool spring breeze hitting you all at the same time. There's something tranquil, serene even, to being on a lake, at peace, where there's no reason to stress because you can't at that moment. When I go fishing, sometimes I just put my reel and rod down and I just stretch out in the boat, close my eyes and think about nothing but maybe the feel of the sun or breeze.

5. I'm thankful for my friends. I'm always thankful for my friends, but if I didn't have them in my life, it would certainly be dull. I've noticed I have friends of all ages, all personalities and because of them I'm well rounded.

6. And PUPPIES.....because what part of holding a puppy wouldn't bring a smile to your face?

There, I feel much better....thanks for listening! Now time to get some real work done.

Baby Fever

Why is it that as adult women, we experience the uncontrollable urge to be mothers? It's like the moment you say your "I Dos" the urge hits. Many people give in to that urge as a married couple right away. For me, I couldn't give in. As an educated, intelligent woman I understand that I first have to be able to feed myself before I can feed another human being. I do believe you'll never be financially prepared for a child but I also recognize that there is a line between not thinking you're financially prepared and the simple fact that you really can't afford to feed another human being. Nearly 6 years of marriage have passed and I'm just now getting to that point where I can see that we're starting to get past that line where maybe we can handle it. So yay, we've talked about it and have a timeline in mind. And no, it's not any time soon for those of you who have a bet going about when I'll have a child. You're going to have to wait a long while. But I digress, what I'm trying to figure out is why we have such an urge because, to be perfectly honest, it's driving me a bit batty.

So, here's some hard truth (this would be the time for the men to stop reading this post unless you want the details of the hormonal, sappy emotions a woman experiences). Month after month after month I find myself fighting that need. The emotions can be so overwhelming sometimes that I find it hard to breathe, often on the verge of tears because I want it so badly. I've been blessed with an unbelievable amount of patience for children. Children have always had a place in my heart because I find their innocence and ability to be 100% truthful, absolutely amazing. I only wish I still had 1/4 of the imagination children have and I love to watch and even be a part of their growing. I cherish the relationships I've built with my nieces, god daughter and even the children I babysit. But that's no longer enough. I'm so ready for the opportunity to experience the love you have for your own children, the love and bond a mother and child has is absolutely amazing and I long for that. I NEED that and as much as I try to push it out of my mind, I can't. What about traveling? What about splurging a bit on myself? All things I logically know would be amazing but it doesn't stop that uncontrollable desire.

So the question still remains "why?" Seriously, anyone that can even come close to answering that, please chime in. Why does it take over every emotion? Why is it always in the forefront of my daily thoughts? Why won't it just go away until I allow the feelings to again emerge? Why?

Avoiding the Darkness

Most days my glass is half full. I even took this mood quiz once and I was the Sun which means, "you're happy go lucky, very little bothers you, you're easy to get along with." Unfortunately, no matter how hard I try, there are still those days where my glass just remains empty. I'll try and try to make it better but I can't work my way out of the funk.

I'm having one of those days, but instead of letting myself get back into a negative, unhealthy mood, I'm going to stop it in its tracks. I said in 2010 I was going to avoid the negativity or "avoid the darkness" as I've always seen it because there's that dark place deep inside that is occasionally unavoidable. So how am I going to do that?

Well, Summer 2008-October 2008 I was at my happiest because I was thriving. I'd leave work every day, head straight to the gym and ate healthier than you can ever imagine. Because of that I felt great and confident. After leaving my last position, I eventually dropped my gym membership to save money. With pay being inconsistent, my healthy eating went out the door. I new exactly what to eat to be healthy every day and how to do it appropriately, the right way and now I can't even remember any of it.

So I'm back to having a job that allows me to thrive. I enjoy work and enjoy what I do from 9:00-5:00 so it's time for me to be proud of me when I'm not at work as well. I know I run but I only do it twice a week. The winter months have me a bit down about exercise but no more excuses. I'M TAKING BACK MY ENTIRE LIFE!!! I'm done, it's time to focus on me.

You know that saying, "if mama's not happy ain't no body happy?" Well, that's kind of the way I feel. Jarrad is such an easy going guy that I try to be equally (or as close to equally as I can) as easy going for him. But when I'm grumpy, not feeling well and not liking myself very much, it shows through and I can imagine I'm probably not that fun to be around.

In order to take control, I know I must first get out of this slump and start feeling good and confident about myself once more and that begins with regular exercise and eating right. When I'm at my healthiest, I'm certainly at my happiest. So that's the goal for the week. Jarrad and I are diving in together to keep each other accountable. It's time to stop using the money excuse because mine and Jarrad's health should be at the top of our priority list so I'm pushing it back up to Numero Uno.