Struggling

Hello to all my many (ok, maybe just 2) readers. I wish I could say I'm back on because I have great news, or things are looking up but right now, the truth is, they're not.

I'm struggling. I've sat back and asked for Gods help time and time again, but the answer isn't there. He isn't ready to help. I'm guessing you're asking yourself: "what is she babbling about?"

Well, here goes. Obviously everyone knows I went 3+ months without a job. During that time, a lot of my bills suffered. After starting my new job, I went on the hunt for a part-time job. Found an awesome part-time nanny position that fit perfectly with my schedule. But things are falling apart. Don't get me wrong, I'm in love with the little girl. She is an angel that has brought many much needed smiles to my face but the struggles of dealing with her mom is not easy. Sadly, I'm going to have to say goodbye to her and pursue other part-time opportunities.

I'm stressing over how to pay Jarrad's tuition as he is busting his ass this semester to get done with school. So I'm so worried I will fail him by not coming through. And with all these bills that I'm still catching up on, I never have an extra dime to put towards anything.

With that comes the fact that I feel I've failed as a daughter and as a sister. What kind of sister can't come up with a small gift, a token of their love for their sister that was recently married? What daughter keeps her parents worried to death about rather or not she's paying her bills? Apparently me.

There are so many nights that I just want to curl up in a ball and give up. It's hard to keep going when you feel like you're running in place and getting no where. So what's next? Well, I have Friday off so it looks like I'm going to be spending the one day I should be relaxing, searching for a new part-time job and I can only pray that something will be a good fit and that I can start right away.

So why am I telling you all of this? Well, really no reason. Because this is my personal blog and a place to rant and rave and unfortunately, as my small group of readers, you have to listen. But don't worry- as a way to counter the depression I'm sure I just brought on you, I've included some pictures of the little girl I nanny.

Now she is a cutey and every time she says my name she melts my heart and she knows it. I will forever be grateful to her for bringing silly smiles to my face and I only wish I could continue to keep her...unfortunately, I can't afford to. So enjoy. Hopefully this will help me keep the memories of her in my heart forever.

Happy 5th Anniversary!

In honor of my 5th wedding anniversary I decided I wanted to make a list of the top reasons my husband is the most awesome person I know. What would I do without my hubby? He keeps me sane and I love him more and more each day so here goes.

My husband is the most awesome person I know because:
• He makes me smile on a daily basis
• He makes me laugh on a daily basis
• He snuggles me tight at night and makes me feel loved
• He keeps me sane
• He keeps me strong
• He challenges me to push through
• He is my wall when I need something to lean on
• After 14 years together, there is no doubt that he is my best friend
• He knows me better than I know me
• He cares (something so small but so major)
• He encourages
• He makes me feel like he really wants me to participate in all his interest, even if that means he has to work a bit harder to make it happen
• He reminds me to enjoy life and not get so caught up in the negative


If only you could feel what I feel when I think about how much I love this man. Sometimes I feel as if my heart is so full that it may explode.
Happy Anniversary Yittle! Here’s to many many more happy years.

INVISIBLE

I'm having a flashback. Think back to elementary school. Do you remember the feeling of being the kid in the back of the classroom that ALWAYS raised your hand but you feel as if you were never called upon, never acknowledged. How did you feel?

I remember that feeling.

I felt as if I was invisible.....and I feel like I'm having a flashback to that again today. As if I'm not really here, only when I'm needed but as if I'm not as important. Oh well, life goes on and I'll keep being me.

Until My Heart's Content

Wow, what a crazy roller coaster ride I've been on these last few months- and I can't believe that my whole world starting spinning out of control nearly 6 months ago. Slowly but surely, Jarrad and I are working together to pick up all the pieces. But I saw a tweet from a friend the other day and she said, "First the first time in a long time, I'm content." And I thought, am I content?

Well, I can't yet say that I'm completely content, but I can say that I'm almost there. One thing I'm grateful for is that I've always been very content in my relationship. No matter what happens, my happiness with my husband has remained the one constant and for that I'm so very thankful. What would I have done if he wasn't there to keep me going, I don't know the answer to that question.

So, 6 months ago, I find myself looking for the job that actually fits me and with that went my income, went every little penny gone and a crazy amount of stress, sadness and depression. Three months into it I find myself in the middle of a 90 day trial with an excellent agency. How exciting. During that time, we finally moved back to Raleigh and I can't tell you just how happy that made me. 90 days is over and it's official now.

So now, I'm back in Raleigh, back with my friends and I couldn't be happier. I can finally say, YES, I really do love my job and love where I live.

Next, the other stress Jarrad and I have faced is his schooling. With the GI Bill running out and him still needing classes to graduate, what are we going to do? And geez, we just need to get past school so we can really start our lives. Well, thankfully, my hubby took control and after several days and many hours of waiting in one person's office only to go wait in someone else's office, Jarrad was finally able to get the answers we've been looking for. We can say, Jarrad will be graduating in December- YAY!!! GI Bill gets us through the summer and with only 2 classes to graduate in the fall, he'll be free to work a full-time job. That's another huge step. How EXCITING!!! I CAN'T WAIT for him to graduate and I know he's so over this.

So yes, things are definitely coming together. And no, I'm not completely content yet but I have no reason to be unhappy. So what do I need to be content- unfortunately, money may not buy happiness, but it does relieve stress- I just want to pay bills and have a bit of play money without having to work and rework and rework my budget on a near daily basis in order to make that happen. So if I can find a side job as a waitress, I'll be completely content.

But, while I may not feel completely content, I can say that I thank God for what he has provided over these last few months:
~ Loving every moment I have with my husband
~ Back to living in Raleigh- you don't know how much I missed it
~ I have a job I love
~ We're slowly but surely working our way out of the hole I created
~ Jarrad will be graduating soon

Things are beginning to feel OK, and I will make it.

Life does go on, and while times are tough for us now, I think you'll continue to see the positive attitude coming out of me more and more over these next few months.

Dr. Lord......

Dear Lord,

I can't, you can.....PLEASE DO

Ode to my little Charlie Brown

Oh Charlie Brown- I love how you drag every rug in the house under the bed.

Oh Charlie Brown- how I love the fact that you think EVERYTHING is a chew tow, including my most expensive bras, my glasses and my favorite shoes, my PJs, etc.

Oh Charlie Brown- I love how you're convinced the carpet is simply dirt and that you CAN dig to the bottom- the landlord's going to love this one


Oh Charlie- I love how you dart out the door when no ones looking for a fun game of chase

Oh Charlie- I love it when you decide the coffee table is just another part of the floor and that everything on it is free game

Oh Charlie- I love how you decide, right before I need to leave for work, to run under the bed and play a rousing game of peek a boo- your head pokes out from under the bed, then you dive right back in before I can catch you

Oh Charlie- I love how you wake us up every 2 hours in the middle of the night because you've got to "potty"- but I really know that you know that after a few rounds of that I get tired of going out in the cold and will let you just get in the bed with us- it's pretty obvious when the nights we let all the dogs sleep with us, you some how manage to make it through the entire night without having to wake up to go potty.

But in all seriousness, I'm not ready for you to grow up and get out of this puppy phase because that means no more cute puppy beagle howls, no more cuddling in my arms like a baby, no more picking you up with one hand and carrying you everywhere, no more games of chase.

You bring the puppy out in Sarge and Mackey and I love seeing them get on the floor to wrestle with you. They stopped being that playful for a while until you came along. You bring the playfulness out of Jarrad and I and whenever I have a bad day, I can ALWAYS count on you for a good laugh because it's guaranteed you'll do something silly- or something bad that I can't help but to laugh at.

I really do love to watch you grow and to see how smart you are and how quickly you've picked up on things. Stay in this puppy phase for a while- I can handle the multiple potty breaks and having to clean up after a mess every now and then and having to replace clothing here and there (good think I don't buy expensive clothing- but ruin my 7 jeans and you're sleeping outside) just to have a few more days of this cuteness because that means a few more days of people ooooing and aaaaing, a few more days of Sarge and Mackey acting like puppies, a few more days of easily cuddling you in my arms like a little baby, a few more days......... Charlie Brown, you're a holy terror that I can't live without.





Charlie and Jarrad love playing















But Charlie LOVES her Sargy- she snuggles up next to him every day for a quick nap...



then terrorizes him until he agrees to play

Moving Forward

Geez, I really need to get better at posting more and more often. But don't worry, I haven't completely put away the writing, I've just been posting on other blogs. You know where I work, look up their blog if you wanna check out my latest post. Life continues to move forward since starting my new job. I'm still loving it, still loving my co-workers and the environment- I find myself getting more and more comfortable the harder I have to work. But having my to do list packed, means I'm needed, and for that I'm grateful. 

Next update: We're now back in Raleigh (Hallelujah! _Can you hear the music and the angels?) and are so happy to be. We started looking and within two weeks we found the perfect place. We signed the lease right there after looking at the location on Sunday, by Monday we were approved, frantically packed all week and by Friday my hubby was moving our stuff as I was working (bless his heart for handling that). Making phone calls to all the utility locations during my drive to work was well worth the fact that friends are now only 20 minutes away and we've so enjoyed having company over the last two weekends- game night is much more enjoyable when you're not dreading the hour drive back home. 

Next big thing on the Grand to do list, get finances completely back in order and replace my Chrysler with something less granny like, like a Honda (yes please). 

Other than that, I haven't had time to think of anything else. My life is running 90 miles per hour right now and I'm loving every minute of it. Hopefully I'll give you a more meaningful post soon, but for now just know I'm still alive.