My Grandfather and Gardening

I've recently acquired a garden spot in our community and I couldn't be more excited. It's been a rough week and when I finally arrived home today from what has been a very rough week, I thought maybe 30 minutes cleaning up the garden will relieve some stress from the last few days. 

It did that and so much more. First, I can't explain just how happy and content I was to be pulling weeds out of my plot. Of course those 30 minutes turned into me working out there until I could no longer see but I didn't realize the nostalgia I'd experience from such a simple task. 

My grandfather was a man that didn't have the best reputation. He left without a word when my father was 12 and suddenly showed up four years later with only the salvation army clothes on his back. My grandmother, a woman that should be considered a hero, allowed him back in their home, no questions asked. From what I understand, the feeling wasn't exactly mutual with my father and his siblings. Growing up I could see the resentment my father and his brothers and sisters held against him, though they loved him I don't think they could ever forgive him for not just leaving them but for what they put my grandmother through as a result of his actions. Beyond that, I know he had a drinking problem, though he hid it from everyone (or so he thought) and he had a major case of grumpiness. I could see the pain he caused and the indifference many of my aunts, uncles, cousins and even siblings showed towards him and that made me sad. Sad for them because I can't imagine how I would have felt if I found myself in that same situation. 

The weird thing, however, was I couldn't have loved him more. He and I had a strange connection. I had a big big heart as a child (sometimes I miss that innocence) and I saw the love he could give if given the chance. It's as if we understood each other. 

The first home I remember living in had a huge yard so my dad gave him a huge plot of that land to use for a garden (much much larger than my current 8 X 16 ft plot) and I was always right there with him when he came over to work in his garden. It's one of the fondest memories I have of my grandfather and I can remember it like it was yesterday. I had a small green watering pale with a white flower on the spout. It held maybe the equivalent of 10 cups of water and I would follow my grandfather down each row. He'd use this large post hole digger and he'd heave it into the ground and pull our a large chunk of dirt. It was then my job to drop in the seeds and he'd replace the dirt ready for my second job- watering the spot. 

We moved slowly down each row, digging a new hole every foot or so and I'd have to run to the house to fill my watering bucket after every 5 or so holes and he'd be there, patiently waiting for me as I returned. We'd work quietly and in unison for hours. Once our work was done, it was a quick trip to the gas station for a double cup cone of rainbow sherbet. Once we returned home, I'd pile up in his lap so he could read me the story of Little Lulu's trip to the beach. 

I remember the images from that book so clearly and he'd hike one leg up on the other to create a "chair" for me in his lap. I'm pretty sure the story changed every time and he probably stopped reading the actual words after the first 100 times but he'd tell me the story and I'd sit there and goof off with him. 

As much as it pains me to know the torment and mental damage I know he caused those I loved most, I couldn't hold any contempt towards him. I can't help but to wonder why he left and what brought him back. I like to think that he was looking for a second chance but maybe didn't know how to properly do that. I can't help but to think that maybe because of all the pain and hurt, no one ever thought to wonder or ask if there was something that hurt him or pushed at his core so much that he had to escape. As a child I couldn't imagine a reason why anyone would just leave like that but the more life I experience and the older I get, I'm realizing more and more that there are things in life that can eat at you and if you can't control it, can't express it or at least muster the courage to seek help, how else do you handle it?

The thing no one really focuses on is that he did come back. I'm not making up excuses for him nor do I think anyone should have or could have simply forgiven him completely but I only wish that more of the family could see what I saw. I wish more people could feel the love I felt from him and for him. It's funny but the first time I realized that I was the only one that actually connected with my grandfather was shortly after I graduated from high school. We had a family gathering the day I graduated to celebrate and we were taking pictures throughout the day. After having the film developed, the picture of me with my grandfather caught my dad's eye and he made the simple statement that his dad has never smiled in a photo but there he was in that image, our arms wrapped around each other and my grandfather with a very wide and genuine smile. Suddenly that picture became, and remains, extremely special to me. 

I will never reprimand or argue against my dad or anyone else in my family about him being a big grouch, because to them he was but to me he'll forever be the grandfather I loved. The grandfather I cherished every moment spent together because to me, he was special.

Thankful Thursday- on Friday

I decided a year ago that I was going to run from the darkness, so to speak, and I've wanted to publish a new post for so many weeks now. However, the problem with that is that every time I wanted to post, I realized I couldn't figure out a way to be positive. It's like I'm falling back into the darkness and with all of that I find myself scared and anxious and I just want to be happy. 

Then I was reminded this week of why it's stupid to allow myself to fall back into that pattern. Nearly weekly, I have a friend that does a Thankful Thursday post and just a few simple acts thinks weeks from the people currently in my life, reminded me that I have a lot for which to be thankful. I wanted to post this yesterday since Thankful Thursday makes sense to post on Thursday, right? Well, that's why my blog is called A Different Walk- because I just do it my way. 

Here's what I'm thankful for right now: 

1. I'm thankful to work for a company and a group of people that really do care about your well being and that insist on putting health before work (though I don't know how to get myself to acknowledge this) and are supportive and push me to continue seeking the reasons I've been so sick. 

2. I'm thankful for friends that do what they think are just small acts of kindness to let me know they care but for me they're huge. To come into the office after several days of feeling horrible and scared, I find flowers on my desk, a desk that's been organized (because I can be a bit messy) and a note to remind me that it's a new day. To me, that is no small act of kindness. To me, this is a major act of kindness and to me it's these types of things that keep me going, that propel me forward and encourage me to continue looking at all of the good in my life.

3. I'm thankful for parents that, no matter how much it drives me crazy, are calling or texting daily for updates on how I feel. It means a lot to know just how much they care.

4. I'm thankful that I now have a garden plot....I just like growing things. I'm excited about getting out in the sun.

5. I'm thankful for every friend, acquaintance, co-worker (mixture of all three) with whom I see on a regular basis because you can learn a little something (sometimes a lot) from each and every person in your life. 

6. I'm thankful for my cousin (by marriage- as if that's important) for sitting with me for hours in both urgent care and the emergency room last week for hours, d taking care of me like my mother would have had she been there, when that day was actually supposed to be a spa day. 

7. I'm thankful for that moment every night when the lights go out, I actually feel all of the muscles in my body relax and my husband wraps his body around me so that his warmth creates this safe zone where all the worries of the day fade and I can breathe. 


Despite the things that are going wrong or maybe just not as I planned or as quickly as I've hoped for, I'm so so thankful for the all the good things in my life that remind me all will be well, all is well. 

Admiration for Others

"Tell me who admires and loves you, and I will tell you who you are." ~ Charles Augustin Sainte-Beuve

To be admired is a gift or reward for something you've worked hard to accomplish or for being someone worth admiring for whatever reason. I've been told people admire me for being such a hard worker and for being determined to make it work, one way or the other but I don't see it as something to admire. For me, I do it out of necessity. Bills must be paid, food must be on the table. These are things you can't ignore so you can choose to sit back and give up to sooner or later be left with nothing or you can do something about it. My dad was a do something about it kind of man and I saw how his hard work paid off so why wouldn't I be that way?

But there are other things for which I wish I was admired. I admire a number of people for reasons I wish I could be admired. I admire my best friend from high school because she was always, 100%, unapologetically herself, something I wished I could do but I worried too much about what others thought of me to let it go. There are people that see me the way I truly am but it took time and years for them to see that. It's something that a lot of times not even my parents or siblings can see because I don't feel comfortable enough around them to let it all out. 

I admire a number of people that have been put in my path throughout the years that are so dedicated to serving God and to showing others God's love and they do this without hesitation. I admire them for standing up for their beliefs no matter what happens as a result of their tenacity. I, however, have always been afraid of judgment and of ruffling feathers. So what if I do that? Right? Well, I like to think that but for those times I have stood up for my God, it took every ounce of strength I could mustard to stand my ground. 

I admire my husband for always being himself and for doing what he wants to do instead of worrying about or seeking approval of others. He does what he wants, that's the way it's going to be and who cares what others think. How can he do that? I can't- I'm too afraid of hurting feelings or stepping on toes. 

I feel chained down by my own hesitations and weaknesses sometimes and because of that, I lose my happiness a little when these realizations start to weigh heavily on me. 

I've publicly asked what words others would use to describe me and they were all the same: hard working, dedicated and team player. I'm not upset those words are used to describe me. I definitely do work my ass off to make things happen but one day I'd like to add some more to that. One day, once I figure out exactly what it is, others will talk about how devoted I am/was to my beliefs. One day, I'll hear less about my hard work and dedication and more about my creativity, my brilliance, my tenacity and about how I'm always unapologetically myself but in order to do that, I first have to make some changes in my own life. Those are things I'll work towards in the coming years. 

What do you admire most in people? What words would you like others to use to describe you?

Friday Brain Dump - you've been warned

One of my goals this year is to cut all of the excess stuff that makes my life more stressful, unpleasant or that takes time away from simply enjoying myself, time with my husband or my poor loyal dogs that look at at me each day as if they're thinking: "this is the day, yes, this is the day she'll take us on that LONG walk she keeps promising."

I have a major flaw. I know, I know, I'm sure this is a HUGE shock to you . My flaw is simple to understand - I take on too much. Maybe it's because I think I can do it all or maybe because I have a hard time letting go of control (I suspect it's a mixture of both, with a larger dosage of not being able to let go of control). Since the beginning of the year, I've made a good attempt at trimming the fat but there's still more. Being so sick these last few months has forced me to realize, I'm not super-woman (though I wish I had an excuse to wear that super cute outfit and cape). I can't do it all and I'm happiest when I allow myself to simply let go and enjoy so why do I seem to struggle with that so much?

That's a good question but I don't have that answer. Maybe as an outsider you can enlighten me. What I do know, however, is that I can make a conscious effort to be better about it. 

I'm still trying to get healthy, which was a goal as well (to finally take care of myself and stop ignoring physical ailments) and am confident they'll eventually figure it out and I simply pray that I can emotionally keep it together until they do (which is getting harder and harder by the day).

In the mean time, I'm going to continue to cut out all of the excess in my life. I want to narrow my focus to my spouse, my career, my health and our (Jarrad, me and our pack of beagles) happiness.  I think in this case, simplicity is key and once I get my list of focuses down to those I just mentioned, I think I will have finally found a state of simplicity which equates to happiness in my mind. 

Dear Stomach, You're Ruining My LIFE

Dear Stomach, 

Please stop. Your persistent nagging and painful reminders that all is NOT well, have gotten through. I get it, I'm working on it but in the meantime do you think it possible you can back off, even just a little?

Sincerely,
Me

These days I'm living off the five Ps: 

1. Probiotics
2. Prilozac
3. Pineaple Juice
4. Pickles
5. Pepto

Now add to that list a prescription for the nausea and some other stuff I really don't want to talk about.

I've been dealing with some major stomach issues lately that have taken a toll on me. I can't eat (those who know me, know I really do love to eat), I constantly feel sick and as if I'm on the verge of vomitting, the pain radiates to my back leaving golf ball sized knots and to my neck, this gives me a headache for which I have to take medicine which just makes my stomach hurt worse. 
I haven't been able to go to the gym in over two weeks as that just seems to make the pain worse (I miss Zumba) and I love the gym, it makes me feel good about myself. And the exhaustion, I feel exhausted ALL THE TIME! 

The worst part has been that I'm in a foul mood almost every day. Seriously, like I will bite someone's head off any minute and that scares the hell out of me. Jarrad has been great. He checks on me daily, does extra at the house because he knows a messy house drives me nuts but I just don't have the energy to do anything about it, when I have a good day, he tells me all day long how glad he is that it's a good day and here I am, feeling like I may snap any minute and for what? Because, he's doing more around the house? Because he's genuinely concerned? Wow, what a bitch I would be if I acted on that impulse and Saturday I did. Saturday Jarrad was napping in the bedroom with Sarge and me on the couch with the other pups and Sarge started scratching to be let out. In my vicious state, I told myself Jarrad was ignoring Sarge so I'd be the one to get up and let him out so after 30 minutes, I stomp in the room, let Sarge out, bark at Jarrad and slam the door. WTF?!! He didn't deserve that and of course that put him in a bad mood (how could he not?).

What scares me the most, I think, is not only not knowing but I have this huge fear that I'll have test after test after test run and they'll still find nothing. I'm tired of it, I'm done and I'm doing something about it because the last three months have proven to me that this time, it's not getting better. It's just getting worse. 


Please say a little prayer that the Dr.'s will figure something out VERY soon.I don't want to be a horrible wife, I don't want a negative attitude, I don't want to be in a perpetual state of sickness for the rest of my life. I'm active and I was to remain that way. 


OK, that's my vent for the day. Sorry to be whinny but I had to get it out. Now, what can I do for my husband as a little thank you for being amazing?

2011- The Year of the Sullivan's

When Jarrad finally passed all the tests and received his broker's license, he sold his first house the very next day. It was then that we started saying "the year of the Sullivan's is upon us!" and it's finally here. 

Since going three months without a job from October 2008-January 2009, we've struggled to get back on top. At that time, we were barely making it. We were excited that all of our bills were paid every month (which took us a few years to get to that point) and though we were still living pay check to pay check, we were content because nothing was behind and while not having extra money proved to be a bit of a bummer, the months following my change in career paths took a major toll on us financially. Tip #1 from this post that I'm sure will go on forever- never leave a job in October, from October-December 31st every organization has the purse strings closed while preparing and determining projections and needs for the following year. 


Moving on, we felt like we were back to our first years of marriage where we struggled and you played the toss up game with your bills (you know, you toss them up in the air and whichever ones land on the table are the ones that get paid that month and the rest just have to wait). There were some scary times, wondering how you're going to eat, if the power company would hold off just a few more days until you could come up with the money to pay that bill and even worse, how were you going to get gas money to drive to work to make the money you need to survive. With the start of a new job came some relief, but still, with so much behind, paying for school out of pocket and still bringing in a single income, catching up seemed impossible. All we could do was grab hold of the Tiger's tail and hold on for dear life, praying the whole way that he wouldn't turn around and bite us. 


So Jarrad finally finishes school in May 2010 and sets out to find a full-time job, never thinking what he would find would be his career. Starting out as an office manager for a Real Estate broker, the owner immediately saw the potential in Jarrad and pushed him to get his broker's license. Once again, we were paying for classes out of pocket and did I mention the diesel engine in Jarrad's jeep witnessed mechanical failure, leaving us with only one vehicle as we tried to figure out how to deal with a $4,000 engine repair on a shoe-string budget. 


We plowed through with more determination than ever. Not only were we both working full-time, but we were taking on every additional opportunity to make money that was humanly possible, double and triple booking ourselves after work and on the weekends. This year, I was: 

• A Mechanic
• A landscaper
• A nanny
• Regular ole Babysitter
• Contract Painter
• Maid/toilet cleaner
• Personal Assistant
• Housesitter/ Pet Caregiver
• Hair Dresser & Makeup artist

I'm sure there are others I'm missing but you get the point. We fought the good fight and while 2010 may have gotten us in overall score, we made 2010 our bitch in the end. Now that 2011 is here, I'm so excited for the future. The burden of financial stress has weighed heavily on me in the past and for the first time, well, EVER, we're not only paying our bills but we're paying out more than the minimum and watching has our debts are slowly and steadily fading. 


With this, conversation during our long trips to Alabama changed this year during the holidays. Instead of playing the, if we were to win the lottery, game we spoke realistically about getting rid of debt, living more comfortably and reaching very specific goals. 

Yep, the year of the Sullivan's is here- 2011. Though our 6.5 years of marriage have proven to be a major struggle financially, we are one of the few couples that can actually say financial strife did not cause relational turmoil but instead brought us closer together as we've grown and matured in our relationship and now we're finally getting an opportunity to truly enjoy each other without that nagging that's always in the back of your mind when you're concerned about having the funding for the absolute necessities. 


I truly have to thank God for this opportunity. There were so many times when I tried and tried and gave it absolutely everything I had in an attempt to stay afloat but I can't tell you how many nights I found myself sitting on the steps outside our house saying, "OK God, I give up. I can't do it, I've got nothing else to give. You take this, you handle it for a while." Somehow, someway it worked out and it came in so many different forms. Sometimes opportunities to work for additional income, sometimes the help of some amazing friends and a lot of times the help from my parents that knew I was unwilling to admit defeat but were smart enough to recognize that there were times I had no option.

So this year, I will not set resolutions I do not intend to keep. This year, Jarrad and I have set goals instead, goals that are in-fact attainable and that we plan to reach one step at a time and we'll do it, no matter how slow the process may seem, and we will come out victorious.


Yep, 2011 is going to be an amazing year!

A Holiday Tradition

2010 has been a year of ups and downs, more ups than downs when I look back and really think about it. For once, I feel like not only do I see the light at the end of my tunnel but that the sun is actually shining on my face a bit now. 2011 will be the year of the Sullivans and I'm overwhelmed with anxiousness, happiness and excitement. But more on that later. I'd prefer to hold that post for the beginning of the year.



Tonight Christmas is on my mind, along with holiday traditions. Tonight we finally put up our Christmas tree, yes, December 15th (We're really on top of things) and the tree is finally up. The Alabama Crimson Tide Christmas tree none-the-less. I remember when I lived at home with my mom, I insisted on the tree being green with white lights and very beautiful, innate ornaments with colors of crimson and gold. When I was a kid I insisted on a tree with multi-colored lights and all the ornaments I made in school being included. Each year my mother complied without hesitation and now I know why. Mine and Jarrad's tradition started last year with a few Alabama ornaments. I thought it would be nice to have a white tree with lots of silver and crimson ornaments, some donning the Alabama A, Al the Crimson Tide Mascot and it escalated from there. Now I can't get enough and I do it because it makes Jarrad happy and that makes me happy. I think we'll just continue to add to this tradition year after year, collecting more and more ornaments. I like this small tradition.

Another tradition I love is Christmas baking with Kelly. This year was year number five. I look forward to it every year- peppermint bark, fudge, muddy buddies, peanut butter kisses cookies....Yum! And I think we get a little better at it each and every year.

However, while licking a wooden spoon coated in melted white chocolate with just a hint of peppermint is to die for, that's not even close to the reason why I love this tradition so very much. Life keeps us busy. With the speed at which we live our lives these days, it can sometimes take weeks of planning just to find time to stop and enjoy the company of a friend without worrying about where you have to be when you leave or what's next on your plate. I can't even remember the days of when I just stopped by a friends house unannounced because I was bored, who has time to be bored? Not this chick!

Instead, besides the moments where you have to concentrate on the precision of how you are melting chocolate, it becomes a day to reconnect. To catch up on what's been happening in your friend's life, to share laughs, to remember why that person  is so special to you and exactly why they're your friend. Most importantly, it's a memory we share together and that's something I cherish each year because no matter my situation, in that moment everything is as it should be.

Things are nice, I can't deny that acquiring new "things" has put a smile on my face, it makes me feel good for the moment but those moments pass and it's these time we share that lingers most. This Christmas, I hope you focus more on the traditions that make remember the important things in life.


Now I leave you with a picture of the tastiest cookies ever to salivate over. If you ask me nicely perhaps I'll share one or two with you over a glass of milk or eggnog. Merry Christmas!!